I always wondered why people were so obsessed with others sexuality. Sure it is out of sheer curiosity, and that gossip inclination we all have within ourselves to know what be the others greatest darkest secret. But then again the last few weeks I have been party to a flow of discussions on people’s sexual tendencies.
I am not completely assured whether my increased participation is due to people assuming that I be a lesbian, whether my colleague questioning another person’s sexuality or whether this be merely due to my presence in many a human rights forum where sexual preferences and their equal rights were pronounced frequently with much emphasis. But the topic keeps looming in my head, haunting and posing a million questions.
“What would it be to live as a homosexual in Sri Lanka?”
I get constant smses, each time R is at a meeting with reference to “rainbow brigade” and I recall one instance where he was so frustrated at a meeting where I called to check if he was okay. I found his rapidity of getting stressed in the presence of homosexuals a little surprising and at the same time quite troubling. And later I found it quite ridiculous one day when he told me “I thought you were into women!”
The thought that crossed my mind instantaneously was Aruni’s remark I have the “gay vibe”. Whatever it be this special “vibe” which she notices in me, I fail to decode this difference in me.
It is quite funny how much homo phobic people live in Sri Lanka. Most believe that it is a choice and that you could actually whip this “unnatural” tendency out of individuals if one tries really hard. Though I was not much entertained when my ex boyfriend decided to declare one day that he cheated on me with a man, I do not at any instance support the stupid belief that one can actually chase away the inclination one has towards the same sex. It is shocking that in modern times people believe in such possibilities.
A thing I constantly ask myself is the question “What if I were a lesbian?” I always wondered how my close friends would take it. As Aruni would tell me once, “it would not bother me if you were a lesbian, it would not even bother me even if you hit on me, it would only bother me if you did not take no for an answer!” ( A colleague pointed out that it would bother her only if I were a lesbian and were not to hit on her)
As much as I appreciate her openness on the matter, I feel that if someone was truly a homosexual the way one would look at it would not be the same as the when one believes the person you are forming hypothesis on is heterosexual.
I think any opinion uttered on the assumption that one is heterosexual would be tilted towards optimism than the reaction received in reality when that individual is proven to be homosexual. One doubts if there be the same amount of comfort that you feel in sharing a bed or taking cloths off in front of the other.
Perplexed I be as to what I am to expect of the world around me, if one days I were to say “sorry I am not interested in men, I prefer women!” What would their perception be of me if those were uttered? Horror or mild indifference to be expected?
Wonder who would still choose to be my friend. Wonder who would like me( this is among those who like me at present despite my so called bitchiness.)
Would the world still be for me filled with rainbow shades or would I be from that “rainbow brigade”.