Emotional rollercoaster continues. The doubts, the desires and then the deep falls. Not fun of late. I have reached a point in life where everything seems to frustrate me.
Waking up I realise that I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then again wonder where the hell be the right place, (or whether the hell be the right place) and when would it ever be the right time.(Never?)
Out of frustration over lies and aloofness, I decide to call it quits, to find myself a few minutes later tears pouring down my cheeks for no damn reason I could recollect. I wonder while brushing them away whether I was mad at myself or mad at him. An answer I am yet to find in those emotional pits of mine. I start hating the fact that I had turned into this being that I could no longer call myself, bothered about another creature’s non reactive behaviour. Life seems to have taken a toll for the screwed up mode, where I be only screwed in the figurative sense.
Sigh, I miss my sister. I wish she was not in Washington DC or I wish I was there instead than in my room, sopping away. It has been a while since both of us had time to spare for each other, taking turns to fly off to some land away, and having too short overlapping schedules to be in the same household. It has become funny that I talk to her more now that she is not in the country than the amount that I do, when she is around. Come to think of it, nothing has changed much, it’s pretty much the same. We still chat online, to communicate while busy with our own devils of work or studies, and while on our laptops at 2 am in the night. The only difference be that now the communication takes place not from the room across mine, but between Washington and Colombo. I miss her giddy self on cocktails. She can be happy on passion fruit mojito, (mental note made to take her and Michael out when she is back, and before either of us disappear to some other corner or to some dark cave in the other side of the world.)
I tell her I am proud of her, which I do not tell as often as I should, and that she should go and have fun, and stop stressing. I don’t tell her that I love her, that would be a little too mushy and neither do I tell her I miss her. That is reserved for FB status updates, which get tagged and then posted in turn on her wall.
Yes, so conclusion for the day ranting is good. Tantrums not I guess. But then again, I have become a good candidate for the most frequent tantrum thrower! I tell Rathindra that I will not throw tantrums anymore, he tells me that I can do what I do on once in a forth night basis, (which is the current frequency of my tantrums) putting the whole relationship on doubt, the “I need a break act” and then settling to tell him that I love him and then end up feeling pathetic over the whole tantrum I dished at him, simply because he takes all my “drama” too cool for my liking. His response to my statement “oh it’s alright, you can throw them! I don’t want you to change!”
Great! Now I am left wondering whether he is trying to tell me that I should let him be, and stop wishing that he will change!?! A possible hint, at my cause of tantrum, my annoyance at his non reactive behaviour…
Aaaaaaaaaargh! Vositha needs to stop analysing, not good! Very bad! Very VERY bad!!
I said “STOP YOU FOOL!!”