Monthly Archives: March 2011

“D” for “Dilemmas”!

25 Friday Mar 2011

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Emotional rollercoaster continues. The doubts, the desires and then the deep falls. Not fun of late. I have reached a point in life where everything seems to frustrate me.

Waking up I realise that I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then again wonder where the hell be the right place, (or whether the hell be the right place) and when would it ever be the right time.(Never?)

Out of frustration over lies and aloofness, I decide to call it quits, to find myself a few minutes later tears pouring down my cheeks for no damn reason I could recollect. I wonder while brushing them away whether I was mad at myself or mad at him. An answer I am yet to find in those emotional pits of mine. I start hating the fact that I had turned into this being that I could no longer call myself, bothered about another creature’s non reactive behaviour. Life seems to have taken a toll for the screwed up mode, where I be only screwed in the figurative sense.

Sigh, I miss my sister. I wish she was not in Washington DC or I wish I was there instead than in my room, sopping away. It has been a while since both of us had time to spare for each other, taking turns to fly off to some land away, and having too short overlapping schedules to be in the same household. It has become funny that I talk to her more now that she is not in the country than the amount that I do, when she is around. Come to think of it, nothing has changed much, it’s pretty much the same. We still chat online, to communicate while busy with our own devils of work or studies, and while on our laptops at 2 am in the night. The only difference be that now the communication takes place not from the room across mine, but between Washington and Colombo. I miss her giddy self on cocktails. She can be happy on passion fruit mojito, (mental note made to take her and Michael out when she is back, and before either of us disappear to some other corner or to some dark cave in the other side of the world.)

I tell her I am proud of her, which I do not tell as often as I should, and that she should go and have fun, and stop stressing. I don’t tell her that I love her, that would be a little too mushy and neither do I tell her I miss her. That is reserved for FB status updates, which get tagged and then posted in turn on her wall.

Yes, so conclusion for the day ranting is good. Tantrums not I guess. But then again, I have become a good candidate for the most frequent tantrum thrower! I tell Rathindra that I will not throw tantrums anymore, he tells me that I can do what I do on once in a forth night basis, (which is the current frequency of my tantrums) putting the whole relationship on doubt, the “I need a break act” and then settling to tell him that I love him and then end up feeling pathetic over the whole tantrum I dished at him, simply because he takes all my “drama” too cool for my liking. His response to my statement “oh it’s alright, you can throw them! I don’t want you to change!”

Great! Now I am left wondering whether he is trying to tell me that I should let him be, and stop wishing that he will change!?! A possible hint, at my cause of tantrum, my annoyance at his non reactive behaviour…

Aaaaaaaaaargh! Vositha needs to stop analysing, not good! Very bad! Very VERY bad!!

STOP!

I said “STOP YOU FOOL!!”

A week of paradoxes yet contentment :)

21 Monday Mar 2011

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It’s been a week full of interesting things and me going insomniac and manic. Love found, love lost and trust found and trust lost. Life is full of paradoxes and most of which I have discovered and rediscovered over the last few days.

Confusions and more confusions, and disappointment and letting go, welcomes and good byes. Few things among many that I have chosen to endure and endured, forced to endure and learnt from.

Life is funny.
Despite all the shit it teaches us that there is still hope, things to look forward to and that what happens is just a momentous thing and then we overcome its grief or disappointment and move on. We are the masters of our mind as Invicutus puts it. It’s just a decision made by us to move on, forgive and then forget for all the pain caused, all the lies told and all the heartache that we suffered.
Life is hope.
It makes us see that silver lining which highlights every dark cloud. It teaches to look for a sunnier day and  most of all that  we are much stronger than we ever thought we were. Put ourselves to the test and then we realise that we are like the phoenix who riseS from the ashes in its more beautiful and inspiring form. We strive to be that, we become that. We are the light that comes out of the tunnel yet keeps shining for those who are in the darkness within it to find their way out from it.
Life is Contentment.
Looking around you realise those who are happy are those who are satisfied yet strive for perfection. We come across hurdles in life and still we overcome them. We suffer the hardest yet manage to smile through them. We are just content with who we are though we are not the richest nor the most luckiest. We are simply glad being who we are!
A few things that I have learnt and helped me keep my sanity:

Love happens, and when it does, we are the happiest . When it’s lost we linger in those loathed memories trying to hold on to something we die to cherish! But it’s all about moving on, trusting one’s self and learning to trust once again.

I have learnt through all that suffering that the time is right to move on, and for a change, trust in someone . And I am glad that it is your hand I hold..

Coffee and Coffee shops

21 Monday Mar 2011

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I love hanging out in coffee houses and being left alone. Life seems very calm at those moments. Having discussed rights of minorities, specifically of those that be gender based at Coco Veranda where I desperately wanted to eat a piece of chocolate cake, namely “ death by chocolate” which would have had literal consequence of the name tag on me, I settle for a garden salad at Odel which resembles rabbit food to my very frustrated state.

I have been on this eat healthy mode for the last two weeks and it has taught me a great deal of discipline , with occasional entailing of mood swings and getting pissed with a boyfriend who thought it would be fun to crack jokes on how much I can NOT eat. Having not much sugar in the system and then being pointed out that there be only one or two options in the whole menu that I can consume is not a funny thing, at least not for the one who is at the butt end of the joke. Then again, one needs to live it to comprehend it! So I do not blame those who lack comprehension of my situation and crack dumb jokes on it. They are merely harmless and shall have karmic effects of their jokes befalling them eventually. (Not a wish, just a statement I thought would be cool to those who believe in Karma.)

Getting back to the point on loving coffee shops, I do love them. When I am alone in them and typing away randomness while observing all those people who come and go, make out or break up, or just give me occasional weird glances.

Life is interesting when I am alone, and on alert, observing.

Silence and Emptiness

20 Sunday Mar 2011

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I listen in silence. I have not much to say of late. I think I have run out of things to tell you. Or have just lost interest. Either way, silence seems wonderful.

You do not seem to notice, or notice at times, and ask me what’s up with your “moko?” the ever famous expression to any expression of affection or frustration. I just shrug, of late I am too tired to respond. The place seems too cramped and the couch a little out of place.

You keep talking, and laughing. I wonder how easy it must be for you, to be able to tell the story and then laugh at it on your own. I smile, as be required. And say something that is expected. Those moments of polite intervals disturbed by a nod of my head or a “mmm” of my voice.

Observing has become a past time. The way someone can laugh and then just not notice the emptiness within another I find fascinating. You tell me “ I laugh not at you, with you!” at those moments where my patience be lacking, and emotions be evident on my face despite great effort.

You smile, and I think of a child. The child that I heard wailing while his mum beat him with a stick. I heard the wind that slammed against that stick that stung his skin. Well the child cried, and you laugh. But I still fail to see a difference. I wanted to strangle that mother who caused the brat that pain. Then again I remember seeing the kid later on, clinging on to her, fighting to win a moment of her attention. And notice of course her blatant indifference. Why do I remember that when I look at you? Baffling, but be it what crosses my mind.

Moments of silence from me, and rants from you. A reversal of roles. I do what I do best at blankness. Lean on your shoulder, block those words that I pretend to hear, which I never seem to hear, and immerse myself in that emptiness, grateful for the warmth I feel against your shoulder, and that smell of familiarity which I have of late learnt to love.

Switch off!

20 Sunday Mar 2011

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Emotions for me have become like the lights I switch on. They are bright while they are on, and then quite useless when switched off. But the good thing with these lights, well they have switches, to be switched on when needed, and of course switched off when not needed. Bad thing with me? I just switch off and of course never switch on.

What am I ranting tonight? Simply that I have switched off. Wasting energy is never a good thing, does not help the environmental cause. So since the lights in my room always shine, thanks to my insomnia, I myself have decided that it is time I switched off. Sometimes “leaving the light on” for too long, does no one good, definitely no me! It becomes an over consumption of energy and pollutes the ambiance.

Hence, Vositha has switched off!

Good night to y’all!

Another rant

20 Sunday Mar 2011

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I just stare into vacant space like I usually do. It has of late become a habit. Idling without feeling lazy, feeling lost without being remotely bothered, a life that has no motive and an existence of vagueness has become ever too familiar to me. Life is not sad, nor that happy. I need space, to stay away from the world, space for isolation, not striving to understand what is it that is in those people’s mind or his mind. Understanding anything or anyone has become a useless task. Typing out horrendous posts has become ever so repugnant.

Life has changed, and this time to idleness and boredom.

I hate weekends!

20 Sunday Mar 2011

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A start to another very long Sunday. I know many of us wait for the arrival of weekends to which I remain an exception. At 8 am I am super sleepy and wish the only thing that I had to do in life was to sleep.

It is definitely funny how I, a person who never manages to wake up at 5 am to head out on a journey planned for myself, would wake up sharp at 4.59 am without any alarm in place to wish someone else a safe journey! As one would say, I have been completely domesticated. Adi being one of them told me yesterday, “welcome to my world, and it sucks!” As usual on a first perception, I found it to be funny, but then again, now with eyelids that stubbornly refuse to stay open, I hit epiphany for this Sunday.

Which being: I do love him, but not as much as I love my sleep! And yes, I hate weekends, nah correction, I loath them! Definitely no more working weekends for me! They suck! No correction again! They SUPER suck!

“Return” of Aruni! (PS. do NOT kill me for this!)

19 Saturday Mar 2011

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Edgar’s question yesterday, on how Aruni was doing, surprised me in a pleasant way. I was surprised he knew her, and then, wondered how he did. His answer was even more surprising, as he mentioned that he knew her through my posts and that he felt he knew her though having never met her in person. It made me realise that my daily source of blogging was missing, and that I had not met her in a while. I would have met her last night, had it not been for a boyfriend who was sick, and was a little too shy to meet her for some unknown reason. Then again even if I were to meet her, it would not have been the same, I would not have heard any memorable quotes which I normally hear from her on sunny moments, at 12 am in the company of many others who would be drunk at that point of day in front of Amuseum with more hopes of getting wasted.
So yes, making the intro short, bottom line being that I finally got to meet ARUNI again. Or let me rephrase THE Aruni. An Aruni, in a red dress with the inner fold of her collar sticking out, and the back zip yet to be pulled up, and hair possibly wet from a shower,(later to be confirmed not have been close to water in possibly three days) and eyes which were half shut presumably due to lack of sleep (then later to be revealed from day time sleep) opens the door for me. On seeing her only one thought crossed my mind, despite the fact that I had to stand at her doorstep for a good 10 minutes (till she located the keys of the house which I knew was the reason for delay knowing how adorable she could be in performing such tasks) it was that I loved this being! No, not in the twisted and perverted ways that you might feel, more like the way I love my sister. There was some bond that I always could not comprehend, and will remain I am sure though we be zillion miles away from each other.

Sure as hell it was great to be chatting with her again, despite the hangover. Stories of people vomiting in cars, and paying extra two thousand rupees for the cab could only be heard in that tone only from her. I had dearly missed these animations. I kind of realised why my blogging was not that frequent. “Suck my dick”, “throwing his dick around”, “ grow a dick” well some of those memorable quotes I missed during the last few weeks. Life seemed back to normal.

Conversations on parents who were suffocating me with emotions, and then alienation and the lack of belonging, relationships that be sexless, of sexlessness in general, or relationshiplessness, well all that and a little tipsyness, flowed in with ease, which did not bring rouge to the cheeks or uncomfortableness. Somethings could be discussed only with “some” people. And with Aruni, I think one could shift from nationalism to the horrendous prices of saris in one second. A talent only very few people I know possessed.

A screwed up diet messed up by cheese and kottu, with great pleasure and no complains! (Sometimes you do things you know you should regret without any regret.) Life after work, and school ahead, and why hair should not be washed as often as I wash it, and other theories on when and when not to have showers which I shall not proceed to elaborate on this post.

Life was back to normal for a little while, with the lashing out of frustration, and my lost existence. I felt at home in that apartment with her, despite my very lost soul. She did not understand my indecisiveness on life, just understood that I had no clue about life, she did not understand what I called a relationship, but then neither did I.

Guess we had an understanding on not understanding what I needed to be understanding and will not be understanding any time soon!

We had reached a consensus on ME! And this time without a table covered with tarot cards.

A very random rant :)

18 Friday Mar 2011

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I have not typed in anything for a while (or so I think). May be I lacked inspiration or just had too much in my head which I could not put on paper or well screen in this case as it rushed out in torrents at a speed that I could not fathom to type out vividly. But then I need to keep alive, appreciate what be happy as well as what be tormenting.

So yes, I am finally off that relationship phobia and am grateful for your patience. Putting up with weird moods and sudden changes of mind seem to have become inevitable, but you seem to have braved it well. And are still around, forever laughing at my weirdness and the retarded behaviour. And why do I love you? Well I think I know why for a change, and I am glad I do!

Guess you are a keeper after all ,despite your freak status, and yes I am very happy and am not scared to say it (touchwood) You are a retard, but guess you are “my” retard! (very cheesy I know, then again, in a pleasant way)

So I head to sleep with a smile, thinking of good things of “us”. (yes I agree, I do think do much, but then I can’t help it! So deal with it!)

I miss you (just so that you know)

15 Tuesday Mar 2011

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I click through photos, of you, smiling, the smile I used to love. It still lights up your face the way I remember, before we fell apart. And, I started missing you. Missing you the friend, the one I could dial at any time of the day and know would pick the phone, and listen to my rants, and pick the phone at midnight and still say, “yes love, what’s wrong?”

Times have changed, the ugliness still remains of those misguided and hated words. But some things are still remembered. Those moments of holding hands, and laughing about who be whose daddy, and the coffee smell that filled the air.

I miss you and felt that you should know I do, cz I know you are out there, and may be at times, by chance, might stumble upon these words, and know that I do still remember you, at times 🙂