I try to concentrate unable to block him out of my head. May be meeting him in the morning was not the best idea. Every meeting leaves me with a yearning that is never completely satisfied. Every moment is spent wishing that he would pull me into his arms without acting that gentle creature he normally is, and wishing that the kiss is not broken just when I start yearning for him.

He seems blissfully unaware and stares at the screen with the interest of a 4 year old watching TV. His moves are all awkward. Fingers that run though my hair while I rest my head on his lap, or the fingers that touch my forehead reminds me at times those of my mum, when she is in deep thought or of someone who is not sure of the troubled waters he might step into, and is too scared to move to the deeper end in haste.

I just listen to his ranting, which is very normal of me, and stare at the way he gets all animated when he speaks. I sort of like observing him.

At times I catch him off guard with my staring. When the movie bores me, his face provides better amusement. Leaving me wonder, how such a boring and banal movie can create such vivid expressions on his face. After a long lapse of minutes, he would catch my eyes, and ask me “why?” smiling. I kind of like the effect that smile has on his face. His eyes light up making him look like a brat who is confused and entertained at the same time. I tell him “nothing” and he smiles, leaning forward to kiss me gently on the lips, leaving me all empty inside, wondering if I would ever be satisfied with this man, who seems to find kissing my shoulder and fingers to be his indulges, or smelling my hair or brushing his lips against my neck the farthest he would go into physical intimacy. But then again, I do love all of this. The gentleness with a tinge of weirdness. It has become part of my life. A part that has become so important that without it, I tend to feel too empty inside.

I rest my case for a while, think of the insomnia that prevails and rest my head on his shoulder where I inhale that usual smell of comfort. It smells too familiar somehow yet always too distant for my grasp.