It’s been a while since I felt this shit. At times you realise you fake a lot of things. Smiles and emotions, happiness and contentment. I of late have become really good at many of those. Including endurance of physical pain.
Feeling empty has not been anything new. But I feel it more of late. Sonali tells me I am moody, while others disagree. May be they see those fake smiles while she does not.
As my stomach cramps get worse, while I feel the pits of depression, I wonder why. I wonder why I put myself through many things I do. Why I am alone when I do wish I had someone. Where all these people were, those who were around when I least needed them to be around, and do not bother to grace my suffering with a call while they choose to send me random text messages which I could do without.
I like those moments of solitude. I like those moments, and I like that solitary me. At least tears made sense at those moments. While right now they don’t.
I wonder what each person’s role be in my life. What kind of relationship I have with them. Where they fit in, and where I fit in. I wonder if they ever bother as much as I would bother. Probably not. Not that I bother. Well not now at least. Pointless, painful task of analysis. I usually embark on such, but venture to do otherwise of late.
Stupidity shining through photos, emotions that are warped, doubts and desires and forbidden attractions. A bundle of one two many. Cheeks of tear stains, dried up tears and silenced pain.
Life has changed. Or has it? I fail to comprehend. And I refuse to comprehend.
The phone rings for a change. And I realise nothing has changed. Sonali pops up on the screen. Not sure how she does it. But funny how life leads me to her, at the worse moments of life…may be telepathy does work. I am glad it does work, at least between some people.