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Vositha's Blog

~ a story of life, love and other things

Vositha's Blog

Monthly Archives: October 2012

“that” mail

30 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by vositha in Relationships

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Tags

cheating husbands, child, divorce, marriage, relationships, women

I sent the final e-mail I will ever write to him. I had given it thought, I had waited for him to come to his senses (if he were ever to) to evaluate his decision. I had given him once again the chance to pick, like I always did.

It has been three months since I heard of him and his mistress together, in the land in which he claimed he wanted to move on as he wanted a fresh start. The only thing I did not see in my head was the possibility of being duped again, but I was. I was dragged again, down to those pits within my empty hollow of emotional trauma, three weeks into the delivery of our son. I was,dragged and shattered. One believes many things are possible, even from a man who cheats on you, lies to you and breaks you over and over again. But does not believe a man could sleep with another while you carry his son, at least you choose not to. Out of sheer stupidity of course, but you still choose to think he is a little bit better than what he could turn out to be. And even when proven otherwise, you chose to believe otherwise, out of sheer stupidity, or the faith you carried in your life in people for 28yrs of existence, while reality slaps harsh truth into you, incessantly.

You go through photos of you with the man you once thought loved you, claimed wanted to build a life with you and had a child with you. You come across of a wedding to which he claimed he was forcibly driven to, while he seems happy to have his arm wrapped around you. You feel a melt-down coming your way, which if you could chose would avoid, with prayers that you would not be led in to a break-down.

The first days are the hardest, seeing the baby’s face, and wondering if he would bother to see his son, to call or mail, in the least. With the lapse of a few weeks you realise that he would not. Then begins the figuring out as to how you answer the questions of the world; those ones who decide to love the kid, but still think it’s appropriate to ask that question “so did you hear from the father of the kid?” It is not “from your husband” but “father of the kid”. The world had realised to pick the appropriate, where I had failed. It is a “no” to all the questions. Some offer advice, tell me I should reconsider being with the man ( for the sake of the kid of course, as they put it) They for sure know not the number of emails sent or calls made, at least with the hope of speaking to him, or hearing his voice before his child is born.

One can only type as one’s memory blocks, mind goes blank but finger move on a reflex based meditation. One still types, with questions in one’s mind as to how one ends up where she is at present, how a man could choose a woman he once questioned saying “why would I be with such a woman?” She has only one reply today, “God knows” with doubts whether even God does.

She lives with talk of a woman around her, questions of a man who had chosen to be with “that” woman, and a beautiful child with whom she would move on in life. For October is the month of decisions, decisions which should have been taken a while back, upon hearing of another woman, and being reduced to just an option, and possibly an emotional wreck.

I send out that final mail. That mail he might not even read, or not register in his dead, even if he does. That mail I sent a zillion times, in different versions. And today, sent for the last time, for the sake of the days I spent believing to be loved, then hoping to be loved while bringing a bed tea, and then begging to be loved, while crying to have a few minutes of peace with my cheek on his shoulder while our child moved from within .

I sent that mail, I look at my son, and I give it a day. For I sure doth know I have tried.The mother of a new born, and may be the soon to be divorcee, had tried. She had tried all she could and had decided for their child’s sake, where he had failed but to decide for his sake.

in support of “Girl with a Book”

27 Saturday Oct 2012

Posted by vositha in Uncategorized

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No more am I a “girl” but a book I hath in my hand; oldy photos taken from attic, and put to use, cz after all, I do support thy cause 🙂

In His Eyes, I Am the Greatest

27 Saturday Oct 2012

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blessed, love, mum, parenting, smile

His eyes light up when he sees me. His fingers wrap around mine, with the firmest of grips, with a silent promise of not wanting to let go. We speak in silences, gestures and sounds which fall only within our range of comprehension. Falling asleep with my cheek against his face is a habit engraved, and his smell is of familiarity, of a love that is immeasurable, and unconditional. I am blessed for his love, for his smiles, and for the warmth I feel in his presence.

I am blessed, for I am his mum.

Protected: Defining “date”

20 Saturday Oct 2012

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bored, date, fuck date, lost-cause, relationships, Sonali

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“A moment”

02 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by vositha in Uncategorized

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baby, hurt, moment, sadness, skin, sleep, tears

I press my face against the little one. He in his sleep, moves against me for the warmth. I press my cheek against his soft skin, and let the tears fall, for all the hurt that I hide, and all the strength I pretend, and all the sadness that overwhelms, every time I look at him and think of “him”.

“Things Some Men Need to Learn!” (and Some Women)

02 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by vositha in Uncategorized

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Tags

acceptance, dignity, screw, silent, single mum, victimised

1. All single mums or soon to be single mums are not interested in screwing someone in a bathroom. Just because one did so, does not mean that everyone needs to be judged by the same yard stick.

2. Just because a man leaves behind a woman and decides to run away with his mistress, does not mean the woman is looking for a replacement.

3. All women are not sex addicts, nor are they sexually frustrated.

4. No, all single mums do not play vicitimised, some do, but others have better things to do.

5. Women will talk to you, but that does not mean that they will screw you.

6. When you crack a stupid joke for your pleasure, there are people who think you are for real. So the joke might not be as funny for the other person.

7. Silence does not amount to acceptance! So get it!

8. Some people do have dignity, learn to live with them 

“Circle of Cheating” (20.02.2012)

01 Monday Oct 2012

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calm, cheating, churning, disturbed, numb

It’s funny the people we trust, the people in whom we have faith, and how the very same would break the trust we have in them. May be it is a little too much for them to handle. I have heard one tell me that he felt “inadequate” next to me so he had to be with another woman. I am yet to discern the logic of that statement. I have heard a man tell me that he loved me and also the other woman, and then later that he loved her more while she lingered and then while she was not around that he said it in order to prevent me from forgiving him again for all the bullshit he regularly fed me with . In short people baffle me to high levels and I lack capacity to understand the point of their behaviour. Then again I do not understand myself at most times, and mostly when I end up dating a jerk. Sonali tells me “you are no longer going to reform people!”. Though I never intended to reform anyone, well I doubt if I could reform the behavioural incapabities of keeping one’s dick in one’s pants. Then again, with my never give up hope attitude I might even try my luck at that. He tells me his cheating had nothing to do with sex. I wonder alone, if it was not about sex, and was only about chats on music, TV shows which he claim was what he liked about her, why in the world would one need to go around sleeping with the other. Once again, my intellectual capacities of logical analysis fail me, and I flunk at understanding the more complex ways of life.

All I feel is numb. Not anger. Not sadness. Just numbness. I have to admit that it is an awfully calm feeling despite the regular disturbance of churning by a persistent child from within.

“Of past, present and whatever else..” (February 2012)

01 Monday Oct 2012

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double jeopardy, light, nature, outdoors, past, present, roller coaster ride, travel, truth, vacation, winds, winter

Emptiness seems to fill my world of late, again. Too many things about which I cannot be bothered but that keep popping into my life whether I like it or not. A constant list of names that harass my brain, and people who cannot mind their own business or rather have no control of their own lives trying to preach what others best do with theirs.

I am on a path of my own, having yet to discern my direction or destination.

The roller coaster ride of emotions, love and indifference; plateaus, screams and tiredness have taken the best of me. A pack of losers and a bunch of conniving liars..world is just a dark place all over again, and I am not even bothered lighting matches. Memory be my curse, and emotions be any woman’s fall. I am a victim of both, double jeopardy.

In a state of despair I head down memory lane, a collection of photos and voyages of far off lands. I miss the lanes of solitude and silence, and cabins, cheerful chatter of friends. I missed Marina who volunteers to stab a man with a folk for me, and Shehan the watchman of intruding snow walking in with my shoes and without his prior approval. I missed those woods and windows of winter, and the tropical heat within the cabin and my walks at midnight through the barking of an unseen dog by day time and heard as night falls.

Life has moved on, and I believe I had moved on. But clicks of the past, recall and remain of what was cherished and what sometimes keep rushing in, unexpected.

I tell him I want to go back, I want to be in a cabin. He says we should go, we spend the night talking, describing the past, places, people and hands..till depression strikes me and tears roll down my cheeks not to be noticed, not by him, nor anyone.

Run away to far far away..from emotions, anger and frustration. Pack and leave from the world I know to a world I wouldn’t know, would have to learn to know and would hopefully be indifferent to me, as I am to it.

He says he is telling the truth, and I try to believe him. But truth be relative. I don’t think I know much of relativity or of truth, or of lies, or anything else for that matter.

I submit to harsh winds of the past, the present and maybe the next winter..and await the summers when I might see some light and feel some warmth.

“vicious, manic and psychopathic” (30.04.2012)

01 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by vositha in Uncategorized

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cruelty, paramour, psychopath, shit, vicious, whore

Statement of the day courtesy of mum “you have become very cruel!” Well what can one say? Having to live in a mess on a daily basis and having to deal with other people’s shit drives one to cruelty or insanity. I am not sure where I have been driven, maybe both or just mere cruelty.

The counselor tells me that he is glad that I still have my sanity. Well guess that cuts off me being insane, then again, most of the psychopaths appear very sane till proven otherwise. I could easily fall under that category of late. Not that I intend to go on a killing spree, but then I do not mind praying for people to be dead or run over by something of the sort. Yea, vicious thoughts yet to be put to practice. Maybe I will start that line of meditation from next week.

It is funny how minds work. Several years ago, an astrologer once told that even if I kill someone, that the sin would be lesser cz I would be doing it on a utilitarian basis. Then again, I have no clue where his knowledge of religion lies. As for mine, I go with the theory that I should not do to others what I do not want done to me. The bloody thing did work for good 27 years till I landed in a load of shit, which I seem to have a tough time getting out of.
Then again, as one says all’s well that ends well.. they say people who mess around with others lives suffer before their death, or rather die suffering. At times I wish I would survive the days enough to see how these people’s lives come to an end. I shalt believe the statement on karma the day it happens, till then I will go with the theory of believing what I see.

On a different note, exams are around the corner, a much better thing to focus on than a whore and her paramour.

I guess life’s good after all, especially when you do not have to deal with people who are a few levels below even vermin.

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