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Vositha's Blog

~ a story of life, love and other things

Vositha's Blog

Monthly Archives: June 2013

Change of Priorities

24 Monday Jun 2013

Posted by vositha in Fiction

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Tags

caring, dating after divorce, dating with kids, love, relationships

Aiden looks at Akashiv on my phone.

“He is big now!” he says.

The two have not yet met though Aiden has made faces at the little one over skype. Times and circumstances need to be worked out to make the introduction. I was not quite sure on what Aiden’s reaction would be to a toddler. He, acting like one at times. Cute as it maybe, I feel at times mother to both of them. My little one, and the big baby who I turn to when needing emotional support.

It’s funny how much the two of them have in common. Aiden and Akashiv both need smothering attention and love. Aiden’s mum having spoilt him as a kid, and I being guilty of spoiling my kid. I feel more his mum at times than his partner, when he tucks his face against me like my little one does. And I react , kissing his forehead as I do with my son. I receive the same reaction, a smile from both parties.

“He has your eyes”

I nod leaning on to his shoulder. He kisses my cheek.

I realize life is not simple anymore. The former me would have spent my time with Aiden, and been with him for the weekend, investing more time into our relationship. But now decisions are bound to my son. I no longer could decide to pack and leave, or run away into Aiden’s arms. Priorities have changed, and I am needed home, with my son.
Cherishing the warmth that I will miss in a few hours, I wonder whether I would return home one day, to both of them. Life has taught me that I could only hope.

Into the Night Winds

17 Monday Jun 2013

Posted by vositha in Fiction

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Tags

Adrien, love, relationships, understanding in a couple, work and love

It’s one of those days that work gets in the way and emotions have got side-tracked. Aiden tries to be understanding, but more like be supportive to the limit he wants to lock himself in the room and then keep working on his thesis (a way of showing understanding but slightly overwhelming at times.)

I try to be close to him, but he ends up feeling guilty thinking that he is in the way of my work, hanging out with my friends, and the possibility of going out. I have run out of words to explain that I spend time, doing nothing, but lying next to him (as he types in words of his thesis) out of choice and not though obligation. But I have since of late given up.

My legs are killing me,  Adrien’s mood swings slightly annoy  me, and his aloofness hurt at times when my emotions do revive.

He act at times like a shy child, and runs to his emotional shell when he feels that he is losing me. I have long realized that he would turn possessive when we get close taking time to sink into the new emotions through aloofness.

Walking in silence he would tuck his hands in his pockets, and I would walk in silence next to him wishing he would reach out. He does after a while, in his indifference as a habit and then smiles with me. His eyes light up and I remember the Aiden I love, the one for whom I care and want to hug and assure things will work out, that space would not turn into emptiness, and that his tantrums or panic attacks over all the emotions or process between us, would not push me away as he imagines. I want to him to feel the normalcy of kissing me before leaving the room, experience it become a habit, and part of our lives. But we are still on that rocky zone, where he needs to be proved that he is not going to get hurt by letting in those emotions.

Imelda over dessert senses the tension between us. Aiden tells her that I don’t introduce him to my friends. I end up defending myself and provide that he does not get out of the room. He adds he has had a bad day. I sense that  he is sending me a silent message. I feel grateful for Imelda’s presence and the bottle of wine consumed in her rom.

“I am sleepy. But you guys need to talk!” she tells, before handing me the share of her bill and taking her coat to walk into the chilly night.

I dread the moment since I don’t want to hurt him or myself anymore with the conversation on the topic we have been going in circles the whole day.

“Why didn’t you go to the party”

“Because I did not feel like doing so”

“You should have gone!” he says.”

“But I wanted to be here with you!””

Silence, fidgeting with fork, dissecting of particles in the salad in front of him.

“I love you. But I don’t want to marry you or anything like that.”

“I know,” he says.

He touches my cheek and presses his face against mine. His curly hair falling over his forehead that I push away before kissing his forehead and the tip of his nose. (I have stopped kissing him on the lips for the day so as not to cause another panic attack in him with unjustified and non-analysed feelings flooding in between us. I was tired of the space between us.)

He reaches for me and pulls me closer, wrapping his hand around my waist. I feel warmth for the first time for the day while the cold wind crashes on my skin, reminding me that I need to face his coldness when he finds his shell again,  retreats to it, blocks me out.

Together we walk into the night, hands locked. He smiles with me, and I reply with a smile that spreads across my face, reminding me the happiness we do share on a good day, and the tenderness he does possess but offers in rations at times.

I look at his face and realize that things will fall in place, if not now, at least in the future. They always do..

The Other Side of the Bed

14 Friday Jun 2013

Posted by vositha in Uncategorized

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Tags

bed, communicating, love, relationships

Sometimes Aiden reminds me of the man to whom I was once married. Last night being one of those moments. The lack of space between us has made me realize that maybe things work better when he and I end up in two corners of the world, or at two ends of the bed.

Or else, the outcome being both of us seated in bed, starving and him being stressed, trying to sort out whatever issue that is bothering him with regards to grounds for his distress: option a, b, c (options b and c being imaginary of course to supplement that he does has reasonable grounds to feel upset as he is feeling at the point of elaborating his problem.)

I on the other hand, stay in bed ponder what the hell is wrong with me of late, for feeling completely unaffected while he throws his little tantrum.

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