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Vositha's Blog

~ a story of life, love and other things

Vositha's Blog

Tag Archives: insomnia

Silence and Emptiness

20 Sunday Mar 2011

Posted by vositha in Random Moments of Life, Relationships

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Tags

blankness, emptiness, indifference, insomnia, love, mother and child, rant, silence

I listen in silence. I have not much to say of late. I think I have run out of things to tell you. Or have just lost interest. Either way, silence seems wonderful.

You do not seem to notice, or notice at times, and ask me what’s up with your “moko?” the ever famous expression to any expression of affection or frustration. I just shrug, of late I am too tired to respond. The place seems too cramped and the couch a little out of place.

You keep talking, and laughing. I wonder how easy it must be for you, to be able to tell the story and then laugh at it on your own. I smile, as be required. And say something that is expected. Those moments of polite intervals disturbed by a nod of my head or a “mmm” of my voice.

Observing has become a past time. The way someone can laugh and then just not notice the emptiness within another I find fascinating. You tell me “ I laugh not at you, with you!” at those moments where my patience be lacking, and emotions be evident on my face despite great effort.

You smile, and I think of a child. The child that I heard wailing while his mum beat him with a stick. I heard the wind that slammed against that stick that stung his skin. Well the child cried, and you laugh. But I still fail to see a difference. I wanted to strangle that mother who caused the brat that pain. Then again I remember seeing the kid later on, clinging on to her, fighting to win a moment of her attention. And notice of course her blatant indifference. Why do I remember that when I look at you? Baffling, but be it what crosses my mind.

Moments of silence from me, and rants from you. A reversal of roles. I do what I do best at blankness. Lean on your shoulder, block those words that I pretend to hear, which I never seem to hear, and immerse myself in that emptiness, grateful for the warmth I feel against your shoulder, and that smell of familiarity which I have of late learnt to love.

Switch off!

20 Sunday Mar 2011

Posted by vositha in Random Moments of Life, Relationships

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Tags

bright, consumption, energy, environment, feelings, insomnia, lights

Emotions for me have become like the lights I switch on. They are bright while they are on, and then quite useless when switched off. But the good thing with these lights, well they have switches, to be switched on when needed, and of course switched off when not needed. Bad thing with me? I just switch off and of course never switch on.

What am I ranting tonight? Simply that I have switched off. Wasting energy is never a good thing, does not help the environmental cause. So since the lights in my room always shine, thanks to my insomnia, I myself have decided that it is time I switched off. Sometimes “leaving the light on” for too long, does no one good, definitely no me! It becomes an over consumption of energy and pollutes the ambiance.

Hence, Vositha has switched off!

Good night to y’all!

Bitches come in ALL forms! Insomnia too!

02 Wednesday Mar 2011

Posted by vositha in Random Moments of Life

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

bitches, environment, insomnia, sleep

Insomnia has struck again and I am awake at 4 am. The birds have already started chirping away and I am still staring at a screen and typing words that would make not much sense to any but me.

Life has changed. For the best or for the worse not sure. But it surely has. And I have realised that “bitches” come in all forms and sizes. Well sometimes in all genders. Which kind of bitches am I speaking of here, well sometimes there are those who are evident to be the kind, and then there are those who are not so evident. I am sure most of us come across the latter who be more lethal than the prior. Yeah well what can you do, the world is full of bitches, dogs , people and other animals. Or and also trees and whatever else. (Yes I know my environment loving spirit is being very bitchy today and manifesting weird symptoms which I have no capacity of diagnosing) sigh!

Sleep.. where be thee? Far away and not anywhere close by to join one for a joint.

I remember Tahmina saying that the best conversations that she has had are those which she had while having a smoke. Well I can agree with her that smoking does initiate conversation, but then again for me both of those can initiate allergies. Not just smoking, conversations too. Both combined, well the deadliest and grievous allergy ever! Oh yeah, add to it those who lie. They make me sneeze too. Liars, smoke, conversations, sleep yes, I decided to add sleep to the list too though it seems that it is Sleep who seems to be allergic to me! Yes I pity Me!

Not sure if all these fit in, but it might make some sense in this nonsense!

(Shut up birds! Aaaaaaargh!)

I know I hate this woman! Not Tahmina, the woman with no sense or sentiment, the one who sucks all emotions, and whatever else from all surroundings. Yes, I guess I am ready to admit that I DO HATE HER!

Yes they say in psychology or something else which I forget in my sleeplessness that expressing anger or emotion helps, well to feel better or something. So yes that is what I am trying now. (Should tell Rathindra about the emotions part, and see his response, but then that can wait till tomorrow. Or is it today? Yes today! Aikes!)

Sigh! Dad awaketh, time to pretend to be sleeping!

Good morning to all those who are not suffering as I do and good night (hopefully) to those who do suffer as I do!

PS. Someone had called me a sweet and confused girl yesterday, and that made me very confused! Yes very!

Insomnia, thou be my dearest!

19 Saturday Feb 2011

Posted by vositha in Random Moments of Life, Relationships

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

insomnia, possessive, relationship, seriously, sleep

I am back to being in a relationship with my estranged lover. Not “you” that I speak of, reference be to “Insomnia”. Sleep be merely a fling, it was never anything serious. We had our mutual differences and we both knew that we would eventually have to get back to our old habits, despite the admitted stupidity of those of course. Guess we needs must admit that despite our stupidity in being with these companions, we are both happy in these sadistic relationships. The ones that the world frowns upon and we thrive on! We are happy in our own comfort ( / dis- comfort) zone. I turn to my torturous relationship while Sleep resorted to cuddles of “others”.

Mum finds me strolling in the living room, rather “lurking” and wants to know what it is that bothers me. I respond saying that the nap in the evening did me no good. She wants to know if I want to sleep between dad and she. I wonder if she ever would get over picturing me as a 7 year old, who she needs must force feed, force sleep upon, solely for the betterment of human kind. (I strongly believe that she strongly believes that by force feeding my lovable sis and I that she would somehow contribute to the eradication of world hunger. I am NOT kidding) I answer in the affirmative in my head, (on the matter with regards to the maternal illusions on me) but remain silent. I choose not to tell her about my latest break up with Sleep. She would never in this world grasp the concept of a fling. Or would she? Not sure. But Dad would. He gets many things which I am surprised that he does. Kind of cool in some ways, and sometimes a little creepy.

So yea, the nap in the evening was not the best idea. Rathindra tells me on my waking up and admitting that it be not the best decision I took for the day, that “no one takes what he says seriously!” ( he counselled prior to my sleep that it was NOT a good idea, and double checked if I were sleeping when I was trying to sleep. Kind of reminds me of those moments, when you wake someone up who you know is asleep and ask them “are you sleeping?” do that to me anyone, will box your ears, or knock your teeth out! Yes, I am a very nice person, who vehemently despises violence!) well coming back to the point on the level or being taken “seriously”, I tell him that I DO take “him” VERY seriously. And am surprised with my response.
( Vositha ponders deeply on the matter while she continues her typing)

Yes funnily I do take “him” seriously, but not sure if I do take what he “says” seriously. May be I do, but then again, he does not say much at most times, I continue my rants and funny stories, or supposedly “funny stories” to which he listens without much complaining. Bless that man for his patience or the great ability at pretending to listen to me go on forever. (I mean literally forever!)

Mental note: Should be nicer to him in the future, or let me say, should “try” to be nicer to him in the future.

Well, the bottom line being, I did NOT listen to him, and is back to my relationship with Insomnia. It is quite a sad plight as I know that Insomnia is definitely a bad choice, having being together for a while I should have realised this before, but then again, what can I say, I am stubborn. Let me rephrase “pig headed”. ( Oh man, that was not the best expression, just reminded me of those pigs hung on hooks alive, in slaughter houses, and shown on the Humane Society video. Yes, that was quite dramatic, specially with my face appearing out of the blue when I was giving my ever so wonderful speech on animal rights and telling the audience to look at “animals”. I am in doubt as to which might have caused the audience more trauma, my visa photograph on the screen or the video that followeth it! Those who have not heard me rant the story of how my visa photo popped up last week at a presentation at the law faculty debates, please ignore the comments within brackets)

Coming back to reality and present day life, I have become totally domesticated of late, (not good) refusing to meet up with friends, refusing to go out, and actually managing to have a conversation for more than 15 minutes on the phone(this one being at least 1.5 hours long) with “someone” other than Sonali. ( Sonali be an exception to the rule, we talk to each other at least thrice a day. Yes we do have a lot to complain about. Life is good when we bitch, so we choose to bitch. Or rather, let me stop talking for her, life is good when I bitch and she “chooses” to listen! Am I not one lucky being? People do actually listen to me bitch, or at least “pretend” to listen to me bitch.)

Anyways I am still up hanging out with Insomnia. ( Sorry sweetheart, I do not intend to cheat on you, but then I cannot help it. We as in “I” and “Insomnia” are inseparable, and I hope you understand. And you being you, and your detached self I presume would understand. In any case you did proclaim to be not “possessive” despite your continuous stalking of my Facebook wall)

Yes, it is late. May be high time I head off to cuddle in bed with Sleep.

Oh man, am I a slut or what?!

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