Tag Archives: life

Of Airports and other things

19 Sunday Jan 2020

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Sometimes the only time I get to listen to Alanis Morissette, and watch a soldier-boy in a hat is when I am in dilemma mode at airports, trying to figure out whether I should continue typing to complete the research, or whether I should be a normal human at 1.38am.

What do I end up doing? I clean the screen of the laptop with wet-tissues (have no clue on the technological implications of my actions). A screen that has not been most likely not wiped for like a year (maybe, or longer. Not very sure).

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It’s one of those days when I can only think of the next 3 weeks and wonder when I am going to sleep, eat, or just be seated in peace. And as usual, it all ends up with “when I get the work done”.

Resolutions before I board this flight: Try to get a month away from planes, and maybe longer. And I run off to find my boarding gate, and potentially not miss this flight.

 

Of the Past and the Non-memories

11 Saturday Jan 2020

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Of late I have been thinking about how life has changed over the last decade, or rather over the last 3 decades.

I certainly do not remember much of my childhood, or the teenage years. Come to think of it, not even my early twenties for that matter. It might be strange, but then again, I hardly remember what I ate for breakfast most of the days (this is on days I do actually eat something, that is). 

In my search to remember the person I was as a kid, a teenager, and a younger version of myself, I asked a former student of mine whether she remembers me as a bubbly person. A more chirpy, and happy-go-lucky human that is.

After a few minutes of thinking, she shook her head and said, “Nah, not really. You were pretty much the same.”

I guess I was serious/ morose back then too (most likely). Now, I take myself at the moment to be a cynical, occasionally witty, workaholic, easily irritable, one-track minded (when focused on work, or analysing something in my head while eating) human with very limited patience for nonsense. (I guess a few of the adjectives might match my younger version too. But I was definitely more naive, and more believing of others’ words than today).

Many years of my life from the years 0 to 30 are a blur to me. Present is more with facts, laws, analysis and then trying to fit in work, kid, and dogs to the 24 hours of the day, while responding to all the messages and calls received.

I have come to terms of moving on from different things, and not looking back to a past where I do not feel at home, and did not truly feel to be my true self in some ways.

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Today, I try to live in the present, and build the moments I want to live, and be surrounded by those who I choose to be with. Life is too short and I would like to live it with those whom I cherish, and doing what I love most.

Cz it’s 2020

01 Wednesday Jan 2020

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It’s been quite a while since I last wrote, but I am hoping I will make it a habit to write more frequently in 2020. (Here’s to hope!)

On 2019, the year was good in many ways and kind to me in general. Work was good, life was good. Drama in life if there was, revolved mostly around work budgets, research deadlines, reviews and other related things.

(Note: I try to avoid considering drama related to humans, attempts at understanding their behavior and then failing as a constant of life, and to ignore it) 

ryan(Ryan being his skeptical self, as Dylan holds his leash for 30 seconds)

2019 saw also our house-hold multiply with the addition of two (rescue) dogs – Ryan (not a name that I chose) and Yuki (a tiny puppy that decided to make our home, hers as well). Both dogs abandoned at some point in their lives, seem to settle in with us – to the point of taking over our beds, sofas and pretty much all the furniture in the house.

yuki(Yuki, being lazy to wake up)

Me, I have not changed much. I still have trouble sleeping, a workaholic as usual,continue to love my space an increased amount each year, and have seriously limited patience for bullshit.

me(Documenting myself as of 1st January for comparisons in 2021)

 

Things I hope I will be able to keep to/ learn to do in 2020

  1. Avoid pretentious people at all costs.
  2. Learn to say “no”
  3. Sleep more (much more)
  4. Avoid toxic behaviour and people at all fronts – especially at work
  5. Work less – if possible. (Make it try to work less, and try to keep sane.)
  6. Be good, even if others are not to you

And yes, hopefully write on this blog more frequently (when possible, if possible).

Thank you 2016!

03 Tuesday Jan 2017

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So it is a new year, and 2017 has come faster than expected. 2016 was interesting enough, I have not written much as I would have liked to, no time, boredom, insomnia, overwork, the list is long. But the year has taught me a few things.

  1. One needs to be able to make the best of what is offered: Life can be tough, I think we do know, or rather should try to make the best we can of it. Life is short, too short to be pondering what ifs.
  2. Love can happen, when you least expect: 2016 has been a surprise year for me, on the relationship front. Having been with men who have taught me what type of a partner I should not be with, I found someone who proved the other way round. Thank you for coincidences, and taking chances. 2016 taught me that love happens, and that the choices we make in life several times, the ones that fail most times, those ones should certainly be avoided. Lesson learnt.
  3. Friendships change, some last only till the other can afford his coffee: This year has been one where I have realised that some people I have considered close, well those have not been exactly close. It has also taught me that it is fine to let go of these people, and that sometimes one person who understands you and is there for you is to be more appreciated than those who make you miserable, or your life more difficult.
  4. There is something called autism, and Sri Lanka might not be best understanding how to deal with it: I shall deal with this topic more often in 2017, since I think awareness creation on this topic is much needed, and more experts on dealing with autism even more needed.
  5. Taking a step back is fine, you need it: I have been working like a lunatic, for the last few years, and those who do not really fund the expenses of my kid or mine, have had lectures for me, on how I need to be taking a break. Oh well, you still do not spend for me, and I am fine with spending for my kid. But I have taken a break from those stressful things that ruled my life since 2013, and plan to eliminate the rest that are reminiscences of that era by end of 2017. Yes, I shall!
  6. Take a step forward, take that risk again: Yes I am a single parent, but I can still take risks, and make new initiatives. It took me a long while to make some decisions, but once they were made, they have reminded me the person I used to be, the one who was not scared to take risks till I was a mother, and a single parent having to fend for the kid, and then too scared that the kid might starve if I took that risk. But 2016 has taught me that I will be not starving my kid by not killing me with the daily stress, and that at the same time I am able to make decisions that matter.
  7. Work could be fun with the right team: Thank you guys for making my life a less stressful one. Hope 2017 treats us as kind as 2016, or even better!
  8. Fight for a cause, even if you are the only one: Believing in something is a way to keep sanity in tact, and it certainly was one that helped me to keep as sane as I possibly could. And it does not matter that everyone is not on the same path as I am on, or that they are believer, I choose to believe that I can still make a difference.
  9. It is the billionaires that borrow stuff, and never return them. Give stuff to those who need it, and can’t afford it, and not to those who are stingy to spend on thing that matter.
  10. Submit that collection of poetry even if you have only two hours to meet the deadline, and you know your poetry sucks: It is only a matter of deciding, and doing what you think you should. One ticked off the bucket list.

A big thank you for those who have been there for me in 2016, in all the ups and downs, and also the deep bottomless pits. You guys have proved me that even if life is not perfect, that it sure could be worth every second of it.

Finding Solace (one thinks)

22 Tuesday Nov 2016

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I have not written in a while, not sure whether it was a conscious decision, but well, did not get around to typing anything on the blog section. The random, meaningless, rants that is, the longer, structured, supposedly technical writing I believe I have done a few in the last months.  Life got busy, with work plans, fund raising plans, funds saving plans, taking Dylan to doctor plans, making sure Dylan is not dragged to doctor plans etc. The list seems to rhyme and go on forever, just like life, and then I turn philosophical, and question the meaning of life, why we live, why we spend, why we earn, why we stress.

I think people write when they need an outlet, and of late, I do not think I look for one (that is my way of saying, I am too lazy to write, so I have not, I think I will sleep instead, I need my sleep). Then again, I also have this weird habit of writing in my head (not literally of course, anyone gets that point, but in case someone missed it reiterating it,) like finishing up whole essays, blog posts, from start to the last line, with all sorts of elaborated nonsense, and all that as mentioned before in my head. Sad, yes. But the reality nevertheless. So since they are all final, completed, and edited (all in my head of course,) I do not bother typing them out as well. Maybe someone should print my head, and then make a publication out of it, and of course distribute it for free (not sure whether anyone would want to read anything I type after paying for it.)

I feel the “non-writing for a while” having an impact when I type now as I type this  not so meaningful post, where I have to pause, delete words, rethink, and then delete a whole sentence, and then type another whole paragraph. But the it is also in a sense like my life of late. I think. I pause. I wonder whether this is what I want.  And it is not such a terrible thing you know. I am loving the change for a change, from the days where frustration of not having a choice, and doing things informed at last moment reigned in my darker hours (where I felt like pulling my hair out).

Now, I have time to pause, to plan, and to maybe live, loved. (yea, yea, a little bit of mushiness never killed anyone!)

Words, Walks and Cobbled Roads

19 Saturday Sep 2015

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Words do not come easy to me. Not anymore. Not to express what I feel, how I feel. I venture, lost between expressions, thoughts, and chains of images, flowers, candles, cobbled roads and boots with heels, (annoying ones.)

Expressions sweep in, different voices, different places. I walk along in my heels, in silence, with occasional complains. Within words come in torrents. Voices in my head, images, smiles and scowls. I watch him walking away, after his “I love you,” apparently he wanted to say a last good bye. I wonder what he wanted. Whispers, and wonders of insanity over months, tantrums I would throw, walked away from. I see the texts, the mails, the moments of frustration and holding onto sanity by a thread that float in front me with images, letters, and sounds. Blocked out, moved on from yet still resurface to haunt.

I feel you pulling me closer, the chilly evening for a kiss that you consider proof of your spontaneity. Laughter, and counting kisses to keep track to what adds up to a “lot of kisses,” till I almost fall, and you pull me closer, for both of us to burst into laughter. (Block the voices, the noises, the thoughts, the other people, I think push away thoughts.)

We pass a beggar with a dog, you turn to your usual analysis, wonder why beggars have dogs, “They are expensive to keep,” you say. I had not realised the man was a beggar. (Attention diverted, focused on heels while suffering on cobbled roads.) I ignore him, you tell him”Sorry.” I hear you, being your gentlemanly self, and like you more for it.

Words, images, sounds. Gushing in, faces of familiarity, voices of annoyance, frustration, and general conversation. Crowds rushing through my mind, brain waves clashing with you sticking out: flowers, candles and my fair lady moments, with an occasional laugh from you at some idiocy I would have uttered in my half sleep, and exhaustion.

I think of moments, us, cobbled roads and chilly evenings, and block the noises and the rest outside. For a moment.

Photo courtesy Creative Commons

Photo courtesy Creative Commons

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The Kiss

18 Wednesday Jun 2014

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Everyone has that perfect kiss, or that kiss you believe is the perfect kiss. I am not sure whether I had such till I did end up having my perfect kiss. On a random Sunday, over a random conversation over creeps and coffee, and at a random moment when I reached to place my mug on the table, the kiss happened. And I knew it was perfect.  

It was that moment you open your eyes, and realise, this is it! With a pair of eyes looking at you the way they do in movies, and going “what the hell just happened?” before reaching out to continue what just happened.

Well, call me cheesy, but I am sure all have had a few movie moments in their lives, where out of nowhere when you end up waiting to catch your breath wondering what the hell just happened. Even if all may not have lived that moment, I am sure I am not amongst a super minority who lived this.

So movies have happy endings for such kisses. Reality of course has other plans, usually not the perfect ending, with people walking into the sunset holding hands.

Sometimes the perfect kiss ends in an awkward peck on the lips. That I know for sure. One awkward peck over a goodbye hug, good bye kiss on the cheek, and then a good bye peck on the lips, post a lot of awkward fumbling around the apartment, trying to find out what to say, fixing her watch because she needs to change the time having shifted across time zones, and an awkward silence in between as he had called it quits two days before her return. An awkward peck because she was seated in front of him which he probably did not expect after an over the phone goodbye with her miles away from him. Yes perfect kisses do end up in awkward pecks.

Then again, I wonder who the hell really cares? I mean easy way out, give the kiss its due credit and move on. A kiss is a kiss in its perfection. As for the later awkwardness, just call it man’s sheer stupidity.

 

 Note: I have not written in a while, was too busy typing out mails and things that were deemed a little more serious than penning my thoughts. Thank you to that one who made me realise that I still do have things to pen down, with you around with perfect kisses or without you around to block the awkwardness.

“Simple as Coffee and PJs”

22 Wednesday May 2013

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Aiden had decided that his patience with me was going to be an enduring one. Despite my notions of pushing him away, he had decided to stick around, keep his patience, and to make things work. Or at least try to make them work.

I was silent in acknowledging my appreciation, which of course came in small portions, and was generally transferred through telepathy, being happy to afford him bitchy me and nice me at occasions and then just by making sure that I would not be a “runaway bride” and run away from all forms of relationship notions.

However, I was surprised when he picked our first “couple-like” fight. It was over some silly hair-cut which he thought he did not need and I thought would be nice if he had.

The drift of the topic was such that he thought he looked better with longer hair with his curls being visible to the world (of which I have no complains, and which of course has its own attraction) and my thinking that he would look better with a shorter hair-cut for a change, looking a bit matured.

“ I will look like a pencil” he says.
“You do look like one when you have your normal hair-cut, that is why I am telling that you would look better in a one!” I tell him.
It then stretches to shirts, and number of shirts he would be travelling with and comes back to hair. I have lately realised that Aiden and I have a common ground. We both do take our own time to forget things. Or rather being too” lawyerish,” we both try to take our own time, but come back to proving each-one’s side of the argument, providing ourselves intervals if needed.

“So what you going to do about ‘your’ hair?”
“ I think I will go bald,” I reply.
“Good, you will look good then!” he adds.

I felt his last retort was too silly to be commenting on and decided that I did not want to continue playing this game of whether he needs a hair-cut or I need to go bald to improve my looks. I think he also had run out of his arguments, and was just being an idiot. Thankfully enough to which-ever be the cause, he decides he will get his hair-cut, and I decide that I will be silent and be rationed in pestering him.
Immediate result : conversation turns to normalcy, over weather that is gloomy which he hates, and then to International Court of Justice or something totally random as the pattern on his PJs.

I have realized of late thanks to Aiden, that life can be simple if I do not embark on my normal mission of adopting a cause for reform.
Things are simple if we decide to keep it that way. It’s very simple, like simply agreeing that smell of coffee is good in the morning, and that he would have looked good in his alphabet print PJs had he been 5 years old.

But the bottom line, in life I laugh. And he laughs with me too!

“Patterns”

26 Wednesday Sep 2012

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Life has become a pattern, sleepless nights, sleepy days, and long chats that go pass bed times.. books that wait, UN resolutions to be memorised, and answers that are sought..Life, love and loss, coming together in a monotonous thread, that weaves the same patterns on a tapestry that would never be sold or seen, just to be stuck in a head that has no solace or sleep.