Tag Archives: moving on

Of the Past and the Non-memories

11 Saturday Jan 2020

Posted by in Random Moments of Life

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Of late I have been thinking about how life has changed over the last decade, or rather over the last 3 decades.

I certainly do not remember much of my childhood, or the teenage years. Come to think of it, not even my early twenties for that matter. It might be strange, but then again, I hardly remember what I ate for breakfast most of the days (this is on days I do actually eat something, that is). 

In my search to remember the person I was as a kid, a teenager, and a younger version of myself, I asked a former student of mine whether she remembers me as a bubbly person. A more chirpy, and happy-go-lucky human that is.

After a few minutes of thinking, she shook her head and said, “Nah, not really. You were pretty much the same.”

I guess I was serious/ morose back then too (most likely). Now, I take myself at the moment to be a cynical, occasionally witty, workaholic, easily irritable, one-track minded (when focused on work, or analysing something in my head while eating) human with very limited patience for nonsense. (I guess a few of the adjectives might match my younger version too. But I was definitely more naive, and more believing of others’ words than today).

Many years of my life from the years 0 to 30 are a blur to me. Present is more with facts, laws, analysis and then trying to fit in work, kid, and dogs to the 24 hours of the day, while responding to all the messages and calls received.

I have come to terms of moving on from different things, and not looking back to a past where I do not feel at home, and did not truly feel to be my true self in some ways.

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Today, I try to live in the present, and build the moments I want to live, and be surrounded by those who I choose to be with. Life is too short and I would like to live it with those whom I cherish, and doing what I love most.

Slow Sundays

18 Sunday Jun 2017

Posted by in poetry or something of the sort., Uncategorized

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It’s been a slow year for writing on anything personal. Things were way over my head with work, and personal life has been less traumatising to be writing on. I think those souls suffering have a knack to put things together in a manner that really reaches out to one’s soul. For me, I had lesser sufferings of the traumatised soul to pen personal rants on. Probably for good reason.

I have come to realise that it that time of year, where I have lost patience with those that make life difficult for me. This involves telling people the truth about what they are doing, and how their self centered behaviour cannot be a justification for wasting my time, lying to me, or simply complicating my life. It is not a lie if I say that this has reasonably made me re-evaluate my “friends” list. And I am starting to believe in all those articles about how growing up is about having fewer friends who are closer to you, and who respect you and your time.

Life moves one, with different people in our lives, with new faces, new circumstances and reasons for happiness. It’s all a matter of choice in life, we pick what makes us happy, what makes lives change for the good, what contributes best to the happiness of most. We grow up to appreciate the tough decisions, and then what one values. You open your eyes, and then move on. No point in getting stuck, and happiness is at one’s reach. It is a matter of making the correct choices, and being able to live with them.

And here’s to hoping that I would be able to discover writing again, hopefully soon.

Boredom

08 Sunday Nov 2015

Posted by in Random Moments of Life, Relationships

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boredom

Boredom sinks in. As usual. You vicious thing!

The same story. The same conversation. Pretentious attentiveness, on a downhill journey. A slow one. Not fast enough to kill the boredom. Not too slow to go unnoticed.

I lose track, of words and sentences. Mere words flashing in front of the eyes, no relation, no attachment.  One sided affection. A deep hollow. Felt. Ignored.

Facilitative, to walk way. To move on. To forget. To untangle the knots, wilfully created.  Erase that attempted smile, repeated compliments, and questions left unanswered.

I look to the sky, on a rainy day. Grey, rain drops filled, falling at their own pace.

I wonder where you are, whether you miss those tantrums, or prefer the boredom of your life. The peace, the silence, minus my voice.

Far away,  on a rainy/ a sunny day.

Closure

02 Monday Nov 2015

Posted by in Relationships

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closure

A read though all the good mornings, the good nights, and the nastiness of the last emails. Not ignoring the thin line between love and hate, one that is fine, hurtful nevertheless.

I read, I delete.

Memories of happiness, at times pain, sometimes affection hidden somewhere within. Delete, one by one. Read, delete. Not relive, not relapse. Delete.

If memories could be reset, days adjusted then erased. Minds changed.  One by one. Each message at its turn.  Mails, photos of smiles disappear. You hugging me close, making faces at goodbyes captured. Flashbacks of happy mornings, diners in silence, moments without fights or arguments. Delete. Move on to another.

Closure with a cold bath of nastiness, unexpected, maybe least expected. Memories flash, tears held back, pretending all’s fine. Moving on, moving on to other things. Life, love, worries for health, issues of displacement, dislocated hips and migration.

Done, deleted. Closure.

Hopeful.

“He’s good to me,” I tell, myself.

Words, Walks and Cobbled Roads

19 Saturday Sep 2015

Posted by in Fiction, Relationships

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Words do not come easy to me. Not anymore. Not to express what I feel, how I feel. I venture, lost between expressions, thoughts, and chains of images, flowers, candles, cobbled roads and boots with heels, (annoying ones.)

Expressions sweep in, different voices, different places. I walk along in my heels, in silence, with occasional complains. Within words come in torrents. Voices in my head, images, smiles and scowls. I watch him walking away, after his “I love you,” apparently he wanted to say a last good bye. I wonder what he wanted. Whispers, and wonders of insanity over months, tantrums I would throw, walked away from. I see the texts, the mails, the moments of frustration and holding onto sanity by a thread that float in front me with images, letters, and sounds. Blocked out, moved on from yet still resurface to haunt.

I feel you pulling me closer, the chilly evening for a kiss that you consider proof of your spontaneity. Laughter, and counting kisses to keep track to what adds up to a “lot of kisses,” till I almost fall, and you pull me closer, for both of us to burst into laughter. (Block the voices, the noises, the thoughts, the other people, I think push away thoughts.)

We pass a beggar with a dog, you turn to your usual analysis, wonder why beggars have dogs, “They are expensive to keep,” you say. I had not realised the man was a beggar. (Attention diverted, focused on heels while suffering on cobbled roads.) I ignore him, you tell him”Sorry.” I hear you, being your gentlemanly self, and like you more for it.

Words, images, sounds. Gushing in, faces of familiarity, voices of annoyance, frustration, and general conversation. Crowds rushing through my mind, brain waves clashing with you sticking out: flowers, candles and my fair lady moments, with an occasional laugh from you at some idiocy I would have uttered in my half sleep, and exhaustion.

I think of moments, us, cobbled roads and chilly evenings, and block the noises and the rest outside. For a moment.

Photo courtesy Creative Commons

Photo courtesy Creative Commons

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