Tag Archives: women

Women’s Day: Late Post

10 Tuesday Mar 2020

Posted by in Random Moments of Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , ,

I was typing on Women’s Day when someone decided to interrupt, which changed the focus of what I wanted to write.

As usual, something that someone needed clarified at 12.30am (thank you very much!) because someone said, something (another thank you!) which needed to be double checked with me, on whether I said something like that, at midnight (thank you again!)

(And I did write a few more things, and erased. I have learnt that I should not publish things which I might regret later.And of course, changed the title a few times, based on what I was typing/ not typing/ should have been typing. According to me of course.)

I shall move back to the gist of what I wanted to say, as part of the Women’s Day Post. What I was hoping to type in a bit more detailed manner. Which I won’t now, cz I am starting to get sleepy (something strange for me, but much appreciated).

So here goes, a few things I have learnt in life, in the last 10 years:

  1. Being divorced is not the end of life. You could restart your life on getting a divorce, than live a life of misery with a wrong person.
  2. Being a single mother is not something to be ashamed of. If you are a single parent, due to a divorce, being unmarried, because your spouse is not alive, if you are doing what is best for your child, then you are doing things right. Your child will love you for it.
  3. What people say about you, what they think of you do not matter. What matters is what makes you happy, keeps you healthy, and successful. Focus on you, and not other people’s opinions. You cannot make everyone happy.
  4. Getting raped is not your fault. A no is a NO. You have the right to say no. Rape does not demean you. You should not blame yourself for another’s behavior.
  5. You should not tolerate domestic violence – be it physical or verbal. No one has the right to subject you to violence, and there is no justifiable reason for it.
  6. Educate yourself, gather knowledge through out life. We learn things on a daily basis. And it helps improve ourselves, as well as those around us.
  7. Be able to stand on your own feet. Be financially independent.
  8. Be able to say no to money – even millions. Sometimes, money is not everything. But also be able to be afford what you need in life. (Back to point 7 when in doubt)
  9. End of a relationship, a marriage is not the end of life. Nor is failing an exam, something you tried to achieve and did not.
  10. You will find love, meet interesting people. Be able to be happy with where you are in life, what you have become. Be able to look at yourself and be proud, for all that you are. 

We are not perfect humans, but we can be happy ones, in spite of it. And more for later. For when I am not sleepy.

Oh and smile! (Easier to do so in life, than not to. At least what I think).

1

Divorcee, single parent, smiling me.  Evidence that every day is a new beginning, and that we can always change life’s course with our choices, you we really want to.

 

Climate Change, Brown Skin and the Global South

27 Monday Jun 2016

Posted by in #WomenAtWork, Climate Change, Sustainable Development

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

It has been years since I had entered the world of climate change where people talk of the Global South and the Global North, the two sides of development in the world geography: developing and the developed world. We professionals, we become part of it, based on our skin colour, and geographical location (consciously or unconsciously). Our mode of thinking, well it comes to play some importance time to time.

I have often been taken as too Southern-ist in some discussions, while some have accused me at times of not being enough Southern-ist. I have tried to keep the middle ground, the one that sees both sides of the story, till I have lost my patience recently,  seeing that colour and the geographical location have at most times turned a token on a panel, or a representation for a grant application.

You see the ever so caring grant applications putting the face of a brown human on their report. Addressing the needs of the vulnerable they call it. Capacity building plays a role too, if it is an eternal process for applying for funding. The South needs their capacity built. Apparently all are incompetent most of the time, unless to serve the purpose of funding applications.

I have been frustrated many times of late. The way the brown skin, a woman of brown skin fills a slot on a panel to fit that gender balance, the geographical balance, and then not to be given the due value in a context where decisions are being made. We speak of participatory processes, set up superficially a list of meetings to say a programme is as inclusive as it possibly could be, and promote the multi-stakeholder engagement while internal decisions are driven with no voice for those who are supposed to be the focus of work implemented. Where are those values you seem to be harping on?

I have watched sexual harassment happening in the Southern NGOs, not paid attention to, ignored when reported, and in turn developing a cycle of belief that it is not being worth reported. I have watched old men of repute squeezing interns bums, the horrified girls reporting of the happening to the seniors they trust, and the old man squeezing bums seen at the recurring conference every year. No actions taken, no questions asked.

We talk of saving the world, saving the values, social justice, when we work in a world half the slogans are hypocrisy, and faces and people are mere tokens for promoting one’s cause. I have watched colleagues leave in silence, without saying what they feel to those who need to be told about the horrors of their behaviour. I have seen many talented and passionate humans walk away from their work, frustrated and having had enough of what has been happening.

Me? I have had it for a long while. The sexual harassment that is not recorded, the way the southern folk are habitually synonymised with not being able to promote their own cause and needing a mouth-piece from the North to promote their interests, or just being a decorative element on a panel to show inclusivity and gender balance.

I write this because I have seen enough, and watching in silence is not the solution. If one is walking out of a system, then they need to make them feel heard and not step down in silence.

We speak of climate justice and social justice. I think it’s time we set up a library of dictionaries so that we do get a grasp of what we refer to as “justice”!

brown

“I am brown, a woman, and have my own voice.”

 

“Being a working woman and a mother have made my life complete” – Iryna Stavchuk

10 Monday Aug 2015

Posted by in #WomenAtWork

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , ,

i photo

Iryna works as head of Climate Change Development National Ecological Center of Ukraine, an NGO which focuses on climate change related issues. She has worked there for almost ten years. She is a mother, and a full time working woman. She shared her thoughts on what it means to be a working woman, and following her passion.

Choosing a career

“I always wanted to focus on environmental issues, and I also realised that without having a proper education it is difficult to work in the field I chose, as well as reach a higher level in my profession,” she said.

Iryna was previously studying computer science, and she decided to change her sector.

“I set a goal  for myself that I will study abroad on how environmental issues should be dealt with  in the European Union. I succeeded, and got a scholarship to a Swedish university in Lund to study environmental management and policy. After coming back to Ukraine, I focused on finding myself a job in the environmental sector.”

Working in an NGO

Iryna feels that working in an NGO on environment allows her the freedom of expression, and stating out loud what needs to be done.

“Other entities are tied to what they have to say, but as NGOs we can speak openly. Proposing policies and criticising is openly done,” she adds.

She lives in Ukraine, and her country has been a focus of the global attention due to many reasons in the recent past, among which lies the political crisis it lives with Russia.

“The conflict with Russia, it’s horrible,” she added.

People die and a war is happening. We are living a crisis. But on the other hand, people are also united, and stronger as a nation. We are a nation trying to change the country, and not individualistic,” she continued.

A working woman in Ukraine

Iryna believes that being a woman does not hinder achieving career goals in Ukraine. She explained that many strong women hold important positions in different work positions in her country.

But she does feel that being a mother does impact one’s career.

“I think women do not get promoted because there is the possibility that they will ask for maternity leave. Promoting a woman creates issues if she is not going to be in the office, and is on maternal leave,” she explained.

A wife, a mother

When asked about how she feels about being a mother, and being a working mother she says that it is a wonderful experience.

“It is wonderful. It’s like a life has become whole, and complete. You feel that you can be a good mother, invest time, love and care for the family and at the same time do what you want to do in the professional life,” she told.

She is a committed mother who enjoys her time with her child. She added that she really enjoyed the time she spent with her child for one year away from work.

“I restarted working when she was one. I was very lucky to have an organisation which provides me flexibility,” she added.

Iryna believes that her work travel has helped her husband form a close relationship with their daughter.

“When I started travelling, and he started taking care of Anna alone their relationship has become closer, and very much stronger. He used to have certain views about the role of the woman, and the role of the woman in the family. But these experiences have made him very understanding towards work, women, and family life. Now he is very supportive of my professional life,” explained Iryna.

.

“I want my grand-children to be government employees” – S. Arumoham

29 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by in #WomenAtWork, Climate Change

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

photo

Arumoham is 62 years old. A grand mother, she is separated from her husband and lives with her daughter who is a widow, and a mother of three children. Arumoham is the bread-winner in this family of four. I met her during my visit to Wakarei. She is a working woman, a farmer and a fisher-woman who works to ensure that her daughter and her grand-children are fed two meals per day.

Working to take care of grand-children

She farms vegetables such as chili, and pumpkin in her garden. She says she has not received a formal training as to how agriculture needs to be done, but does is based on the knowledge she has received over generations. She believes that new technology and teaching is not as good as the knowledge she has received. She has no time to go for trainings or capacity building session she says, nor women’s meetings. She has to take care of her grand-children among whom is a child with special needs. She works so that the boy could be taken care of, along with his two sisters who are in their teens.

Unpredictable weather and farming

Her agricultural activities are not the easy. There is scarcity of water in the region, and the water they have is from wells that they pump to use for their farming. She says that weather patterns have changed, and the rains that fall much harsher than before damage the crops. I ask her how she puts up with the damage when the plants are destroyed from heavy rains. She says that they have to start from scratch. She does not believe in loans, nor insurance. She prefers to starve than be troubled by her creditors she says.

“I will not take loans from anyone. I would rather die of hunger than have someone come and harass me over money I owe. They do not bother to check on us when we are dying,  but come and ask us to return the money three times a day.”

Fishing with her bare hands

Her farm brings around 3000 to 4000 rupees a month she says. She is not entirely sure of the income made. They make use of the crops for their food, while selling some of it to gain an income. As the income does not suffice, she goes to catch prawns in the evening. She shows me how she catches them with her bare hands, and earn an additional 300 rupees for her grand-children. It is a daily routine, and she stays in the waters from 6- 9pm every evening.

Hopes for the future

Like many others living in the region, she wants to see a better life for her grandchildren. She wants them to be able to gain jobs in the public sector. “I want them to have a government job when they grow up,” she says.

Arumoham has faced a lot in her life. Having left her home in 2005, abandoning most of what she had built in life, she has returned to the same area and now is trying to build a life again, for her children and her grandchildren who depend on her.

“What matters is the way you look at things, and your attitude to life.” – Dilum Goonewardena

22 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by in #WomenAtWork

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , ,

(Photo provided by Dilum Goonewardena)

(Photo provided by Dilum Goonewardena)

Dilum Goonewardena works at the Permanent Delegation of Sri Lanka to the UNESCO which she joined after moving to France for her studies. She shares her story today on what inspired her to follow her dreams.

Life: An inspiration

“I left Sri Lanka when I was 21, and since then I have become an independent woman. Learning a different culture and integrating into it has been a challenge. I took it up with courage and have kept my head upto now. If I ever lower my head, it would be to admire the beautiful heels covering my feet,” she added laughing.

Dilum takes life itself as an inspiration. For her the people around her, her family and friends have been those who inspired her to achieve her goals.

“Life inspires me. I am inspired by nature, family, good friends sometimes even random people I meet in everyday life. Everyone goes through good and bad periods in life. In the end what matters is that you decide what you make out of the present situation – be it bad or good,” she said.

Believing in one’s self

Speaking of her past, she says, “I had a difficult past since I came to France , I had to learn everything from scratch. I believe myself to be a fighter, and I did not have time to cry every time things did not work out the way I wanted them to. When I did cry, I looked at myself in the mirror and realised how ugly it made me look. So realised I did not have time to waste on being like that”.

She also commented on being a woman and how it impacts her work life and added that being a woman has not changed how her work life impacts her.

“I don’t think being a woman changed circumstances for me. I think what matters is the way you look at things, and your attitude. I never thought being a woman was an inferior thing, and I never let being a woman stop me in achieving my goals,” she said.

Aiming higher

Dilum’s aim is to promote her country at a high level  in UNESCO . She adds “We are like a big family at UNESCO. We come from different parts of the world, talk in different languages and have different cultural backgrounds. But we have lot of things in common –  UNESCO is the world in a nut shell”. These days she is  busy organising a three day Sri Lankan Vesak event at UNESCO headquarters, a high level forum  which will  be on “ Interfaith Dialogue and Education for a Universe of Peace” .

Gender Based Violence : A Story of Silent Victims

02 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

, , , ,

First lines of this article was typed a zillion times (well not a zillion times in the literal sense, but of course in figurative sense). This was not because I was out of options for the first line, but merely because too many stories of people I know came to my mind: The story of the man who slapped his girlfriend because she was cheating on him, the lady I know who gets beaten up by her husband on a frequent basis because she would not get separated from him for the sake of her two daughters who might be deprived from inheriting any wealth that their father possess, the story of the woman in court whose husband sexually harasses her. With too many stories, I was obviously left in a dilemma as to whose story needs to be told, so resorting to the most practical option, I venture to tell the collective story of gender based violence (GBV) of women living in Sri Lanka. One might not notice the gravity nor the presence of it, or could be living in it and feeling it as a normalcy, however it is time that stories are told and actions are taken, for mere acceptance of a situation does not mean that is the correct way of doing things in a country or a culture.

Defining GBV

GBV is described as violence linked to the ‘gendered’ identity of being a woman, man or a person with transgender identity. In defining GBV one needs to understand the meaning of “gender” which refers to particular type of roles, activities, attributes which a particular society deems appropriate for men and women. Being socially constructed, gender takes different forms depending on the country and the culture one dwells in. Thus, people grow up learning what the society teaches be their gender based roles and in turn create inequalities and discrimination, generally favouring the stronger party, mostly the male. As the WHO provides such inequalities end up leading to inequities in fields such as health care, property rights, education and employment. The role of gender is crucial in dissecting the perpetration of violence, given that violence stems from an unequal power relation and discrimination in society. While GBV affects men and women both, women given the social structure are more proven prone to be victims of violence and suffering physically and emotionally.

GBV and Violence against Women

As mentioned before women and girls are the key victims of GBV due to the unequal power relation between men and women. Though it is not the mode of nature, the women have been victimised due to many a behaviour that has become the accepted norm by many. In some cultures men are expected to beat their women as that is the way that things are done! I once was told by a three wheeler driver that during his married life, he was yet to beat his wife. He meant it as a sign of success of his married life, however, the tone in which it was told, connoted that the man accepted that beating his wife, was quite a normal thing. Not being sure how to react I decided to keep silent. That was a few years back, however a few weeks back, trying to mend a fault on my part in keeping silent upon hearing the proud recital of a man on how he slapped his girlfriend, I decided to tell him that it was not the right thing to do, and that any sensible woman would seek justice against such activity. I was told in response that he lost control, while another near him added “I will beat my wife if she tells anything against my parents!” I was left wondering what was wrong with people, and how the society is to function with people who deem that giving a warning to one’s wife on the probability of getting beaten upon speaking against her in laws to be an exclusion clause against any violation of rights caused by violence perpetrated against his wife.

Dissecting Violence against Women

Violence against women come in many forms, among which are domestic violence, sexual harassment, rape, incest. We can think of many a story which we have come across in our life which relate to this: the wife who is beaten by her drunkard husband, the school going girl being beaten by her father over a love affair, the girl who is raped by her uncle and the father who sexually harasses his daughter are stories one hears in the Sri Lankan society. Though one hears of these, how often does one react to them? If you were to think of a story which falls in this line, would you be able to say that you have taken action to prevent such an act, or would you, yourself be a victim of any of these? If you were, would you have taken any measure to prevent such activity from occurring in the future or have you merely kept mum, and waited for the situation or its gravity to subside? The answers may vary, but the frequency of one’s inaction would be much higher than expected in our society, be it for lack of knowledge regarding one’s rights, be it because you believe you deserved to be subjected to such violence due to teachings of the society you live in. The end result be the same whatever be the cause of suffering in silence : The ever increasing rate of women subjected to violence and the rise of incidents of violence against women.

“What’s with these laws against violence?”

Sri Lanka has an equipped legal mechanism to address issues of violence against women and GBV. Among these legal instruments are The Domestic Violence Act passed in 2005 (yes, this does cover incidents where your husband would be beating you, and yes, you can file a case against him or seek protection from him legally). Apart from this the Penal Code of Sri Lanka does function to protect women and men alike from being subjected to violence.

In addition to domestic laws, Sri Lanka is also a signatory to many international treaties which concentrate on the protection of rights of women and girls alike, such as the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, Convention on the Elimination of All forms of Discrimination against Women, The Convention on the Rights of the Child, and Convention on Torture and other, Inhuman and Degrading Treatment of Punishment. The rights enshrined in these instruments are to be upheld in the country with the objective of addressing protection of people from violence perpetrated against them.

Laws v Practice

So we see that there is a whole lot of rights that exist, and a whole lot of laws that “protect” women from violence. But as it is evident through daily occurrences the laws alone cannot play the role of the protector of those perpetrated by violence in the Sri Lankan society. There is a need for the creation of awareness, from the woman who lets her husband batter her and her children trying to protect their property rights, to the man who claims he will beat his wife in the name of love for his parents (oh! please spare me from such talk!). What one sees as necessary for any hope for right to be protected would be victims grasping that they ‘do’ have rights, and the perpetrators of violence too realise that the victims ‘do’ have rights. If this does materialise, oh jolly be the day! In case this will not be an option for the near future , why don’t we just go with the most practical option, and say, do get those so called laws dusting away in some unknown corner to practice! High time this happens, don’t you think?

“that” mail

30 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by in Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

I sent the final e-mail I will ever write to him. I had given it thought, I had waited for him to come to his senses (if he were ever to) to evaluate his decision. I had given him once again the chance to pick, like I always did.

It has been three months since I heard of him and his mistress together, in the land in which he claimed he wanted to move on as he wanted a fresh start. The only thing I did not see in my head was the possibility of being duped again, but I was. I was dragged again, down to those pits within my empty hollow of emotional trauma, three weeks into the delivery of our son. I was,dragged and shattered. One believes many things are possible, even from a man who cheats on you, lies to you and breaks you over and over again. But does not believe a man could sleep with another while you carry his son, at least you choose not to. Out of sheer stupidity of course, but you still choose to think he is a little bit better than what he could turn out to be. And even when proven otherwise, you chose to believe otherwise, out of sheer stupidity, or the faith you carried in your life in people for 28yrs of existence, while reality slaps harsh truth into you, incessantly.

You go through photos of you with the man you once thought loved you, claimed wanted to build a life with you and had a child with you. You come across of a wedding to which he claimed he was forcibly driven to, while he seems happy to have his arm wrapped around you. You feel a melt-down coming your way, which if you could chose would avoid, with prayers that you would not be led in to a break-down.

The first days are the hardest, seeing the baby’s face, and wondering if he would bother to see his son, to call or mail, in the least. With the lapse of a few weeks you realise that he would not. Then begins the figuring out as to how you answer the questions of the world; those ones who decide to love the kid, but still think it’s appropriate to ask that question “so did you hear from the father of the kid?” It is not “from your husband” but “father of the kid”. The world had realised to pick the appropriate, where I had failed. It is a “no” to all the questions. Some offer advice, tell me I should reconsider being with the man ( for the sake of the kid of course, as they put it) They for sure know not the number of emails sent or calls made, at least with the hope of speaking to him, or hearing his voice before his child is born.

One can only type as one’s memory blocks, mind goes blank but finger move on a reflex based meditation. One still types, with questions in one’s mind as to how one ends up where she is at present, how a man could choose a woman he once questioned saying “why would I be with such a woman?” She has only one reply today, “God knows” with doubts whether even God does.

She lives with talk of a woman around her, questions of a man who had chosen to be with “that” woman, and a beautiful child with whom she would move on in life. For October is the month of decisions, decisions which should have been taken a while back, upon hearing of another woman, and being reduced to just an option, and possibly an emotional wreck.

I send out that final mail. That mail he might not even read, or not register in his dead, even if he does. That mail I sent a zillion times, in different versions. And today, sent for the last time, for the sake of the days I spent believing to be loved, then hoping to be loved while bringing a bed tea, and then begging to be loved, while crying to have a few minutes of peace with my cheek on his shoulder while our child moved from within .

I sent that mail, I look at my son, and I give it a day. For I sure doth know I have tried.The mother of a new born, and may be the soon to be divorcee, had tried. She had tried all she could and had decided for their child’s sake, where he had failed but to decide for his sake.