Category Archives: Random Moments of Life

Ageing

27 Saturday Jun 2020

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A kid with whom I work guessed my age last week.

I don’t remember the reason for this guessing game. I believe the whole conversation started when I mentioned to him that his father wanted to triple check my age, when I went in for a medical check. I had thought that his son might have had something to do with this question being repeated one “three” many times.

The kid thought I was 45 years old. A good decade older than I actually am.

I am not usually bothered about my age. But this time, I obviously was. I was also annoyed that I could no longer pride myself in not being bothered about how old I looked, or bothering about how I looked in general.

(I grew up thinking I was an ugly kid which continued to my late 20s, where I believed I was not physically. From 28 to this date, I was content not bothering about how my face looked, until of course the guessing game happened.)

Anyways, conclusion for the day being:

  • I discover about myself on a daily basis
  • I need to stop analysing what a 21 year old says.
  • I could (maybe) refer the kid to get his specs checked. (But, I won’t.)
Embracing my 45 years on this planet :D

Women’s Day: Late Post

10 Tuesday Mar 2020

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I was typing on Women’s Day when someone decided to interrupt, which changed the focus of what I wanted to write.

As usual, something that someone needed clarified at 12.30am (thank you very much!) because someone said, something (another thank you!) which needed to be double checked with me, on whether I said something like that, at midnight (thank you again!)

(And I did write a few more things, and erased. I have learnt that I should not publish things which I might regret later.And of course, changed the title a few times, based on what I was typing/ not typing/ should have been typing. According to me of course.)

I shall move back to the gist of what I wanted to say, as part of the Women’s Day Post. What I was hoping to type in a bit more detailed manner. Which I won’t now, cz I am starting to get sleepy (something strange for me, but much appreciated).

So here goes, a few things I have learnt in life, in the last 10 years:

  1. Being divorced is not the end of life. You could restart your life on getting a divorce, than live a life of misery with a wrong person.
  2. Being a single mother is not something to be ashamed of. If you are a single parent, due to a divorce, being unmarried, because your spouse is not alive, if you are doing what is best for your child, then you are doing things right. Your child will love you for it.
  3. What people say about you, what they think of you do not matter. What matters is what makes you happy, keeps you healthy, and successful. Focus on you, and not other people’s opinions. You cannot make everyone happy.
  4. Getting raped is not your fault. A no is a NO. You have the right to say no. Rape does not demean you. You should not blame yourself for another’s behavior.
  5. You should not tolerate domestic violence – be it physical or verbal. No one has the right to subject you to violence, and there is no justifiable reason for it.
  6. Educate yourself, gather knowledge through out life. We learn things on a daily basis. And it helps improve ourselves, as well as those around us.
  7. Be able to stand on your own feet. Be financially independent.
  8. Be able to say no to money – even millions. Sometimes, money is not everything. But also be able to be afford what you need in life. (Back to point 7 when in doubt)
  9. End of a relationship, a marriage is not the end of life. Nor is failing an exam, something you tried to achieve and did not.
  10. You will find love, meet interesting people. Be able to be happy with where you are in life, what you have become. Be able to look at yourself and be proud, for all that you are. 

We are not perfect humans, but we can be happy ones, in spite of it. And more for later. For when I am not sleepy.

Oh and smile! (Easier to do so in life, than not to. At least what I think).

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Divorcee, single parent, smiling me.  Evidence that every day is a new beginning, and that we can always change life’s course with our choices, you we really want to.

 

When 24 Hours Run Out Too Fast

01 Saturday Feb 2020

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I am going to type this post on my phone, too lazy to open my laptop over a black coffee, and the sound of a man chuckling, potentially suffocating on the same chuckles a bit later

At least that is what I think I hear. My mind remains in its darker corners, after dealing with an immigration officer who kept scratching my visa for a good 10 minutes in an effort (I believe in his mind) to prove its authenticity (or not) till I interrupted him  by asking whay was wrong with it.

Loud people do not add to improving my mood, especially not at 1.41am. (I like silence, at most times.)

Brain keeps shifting on changing time zones. The last 2 weeks been quite crazy with 2 travels back to back, and 2 workshops during the days I was at home. The 10 days covered 3 national workshops in Africa, and 2 in Sri Lanka. And end of it, I stand/sit a very exhausted human.

And now I sit exhausted and sleep deprived heading out for then 2 more weeks, which will hopefully be followed by no travels for a while.

I like my home, my bed, my time with the kid. And nothing more comforting in life than the comfort of one’s “home,” where ever it may be. Especially for tired souls who have over-run their quota of travel.

Note: Downside of posting using my phone is that I am bad at adding a suitable photo for this. Maybe in a few hours…

 

 

 

Of Airports and other things

19 Sunday Jan 2020

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Sometimes the only time I get to listen to Alanis Morissette, and watch a soldier-boy in a hat is when I am in dilemma mode at airports, trying to figure out whether I should continue typing to complete the research, or whether I should be a normal human at 1.38am.

What do I end up doing? I clean the screen of the laptop with wet-tissues (have no clue on the technological implications of my actions). A screen that has not been most likely not wiped for like a year (maybe, or longer. Not very sure).

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It’s one of those days when I can only think of the next 3 weeks and wonder when I am going to sleep, eat, or just be seated in peace. And as usual, it all ends up with “when I get the work done”.

Resolutions before I board this flight: Try to get a month away from planes, and maybe longer. And I run off to find my boarding gate, and potentially not miss this flight.

 

Of the Past and the Non-memories

11 Saturday Jan 2020

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Of late I have been thinking about how life has changed over the last decade, or rather over the last 3 decades.

I certainly do not remember much of my childhood, or the teenage years. Come to think of it, not even my early twenties for that matter. It might be strange, but then again, I hardly remember what I ate for breakfast most of the days (this is on days I do actually eat something, that is). 

In my search to remember the person I was as a kid, a teenager, and a younger version of myself, I asked a former student of mine whether she remembers me as a bubbly person. A more chirpy, and happy-go-lucky human that is.

After a few minutes of thinking, she shook her head and said, “Nah, not really. You were pretty much the same.”

I guess I was serious/ morose back then too (most likely). Now, I take myself at the moment to be a cynical, occasionally witty, workaholic, easily irritable, one-track minded (when focused on work, or analysing something in my head while eating) human with very limited patience for nonsense. (I guess a few of the adjectives might match my younger version too. But I was definitely more naive, and more believing of others’ words than today).

Many years of my life from the years 0 to 30 are a blur to me. Present is more with facts, laws, analysis and then trying to fit in work, kid, and dogs to the 24 hours of the day, while responding to all the messages and calls received.

I have come to terms of moving on from different things, and not looking back to a past where I do not feel at home, and did not truly feel to be my true self in some ways.

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Today, I try to live in the present, and build the moments I want to live, and be surrounded by those who I choose to be with. Life is too short and I would like to live it with those whom I cherish, and doing what I love most.

Cz it’s 2020

01 Wednesday Jan 2020

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It’s been quite a while since I last wrote, but I am hoping I will make it a habit to write more frequently in 2020. (Here’s to hope!)

On 2019, the year was good in many ways and kind to me in general. Work was good, life was good. Drama in life if there was, revolved mostly around work budgets, research deadlines, reviews and other related things.

(Note: I try to avoid considering drama related to humans, attempts at understanding their behavior and then failing as a constant of life, and to ignore it) 

ryan(Ryan being his skeptical self, as Dylan holds his leash for 30 seconds)

2019 saw also our house-hold multiply with the addition of two (rescue) dogs – Ryan (not a name that I chose) and Yuki (a tiny puppy that decided to make our home, hers as well). Both dogs abandoned at some point in their lives, seem to settle in with us – to the point of taking over our beds, sofas and pretty much all the furniture in the house.

yuki(Yuki, being lazy to wake up)

Me, I have not changed much. I still have trouble sleeping, a workaholic as usual,continue to love my space an increased amount each year, and have seriously limited patience for bullshit.

me(Documenting myself as of 1st January for comparisons in 2021)

 

Things I hope I will be able to keep to/ learn to do in 2020

  1. Avoid pretentious people at all costs.
  2. Learn to say “no”
  3. Sleep more (much more)
  4. Avoid toxic behaviour and people at all fronts – especially at work
  5. Work less – if possible. (Make it try to work less, and try to keep sane.)
  6. Be good, even if others are not to you

And yes, hopefully write on this blog more frequently (when possible, if possible).

Sri Lanka, 7 Days After

29 Monday Apr 2019

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It’s been a week since the Easter Sunday Attacks. People ask me how things are. I usually tell out of reflect, “we are trying to regain normalcy”. The next moment I wonder what normalcy is. Anymore.

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On Saturday, I had been working on assignments focusing on peace building till quite late, to wake up to calls from those checking if I had gone to church. Those who know me would know how strange that question would ring in my ears, even when wide awake. But, it was only a few minutes later that reality shook me awake with the violence that had spread across Colombo.

The first thought to cross my mind: “It could have been us”.

 

I had slept hoping to take my family out on Sunday for breakfast. Then true to myself, overslept due to sleep-deprivation caused by writing for hours on peace-building , until 6am to be precise. The previous night, my curious mind had wondered to anlayse the potential conflicts which Sri Lanka could face, mostly related to resource management, and whether we are ready to address these situations. I also wondered how we as a community would react if we were to face a conflict again. Later at work, my colleague tells me “Vosi, you should not hypothesize!”

 

Last few weeks have been probably the scariest days of my whole life, even though I had lived through a few memories that haunt me. As a child my first memories are of dead bodies floating in a river. I must have been 4 or 5 at that time. I am not entirely sure. Then, I have memories of the war, the constant security checks. But those images seem distant, I think I had blurred them out of my mind.

I also remember the tsunami, and the many loved ones taken away, our usual Sunday market washed away, my favourite aunt growing up, getting washed away with it as well.

But the memory the memory that I hold close is how Sri Lanka came together during the hard times. Rebuilding and helping in solidarity.

 

21st April was different. It was difficult to focus. It was hard to think straight. I blamed it on my sleep deprived brain, or maybe the slightly old brain. We all closed down for a week, maybe even longer. I read stories of those affected, the children left alone, families dead and many in need of support.

I also read posters on guidance to boycott shops, the general hatred towards certain groups in our communities, reminding me of the 2nd World War. Do we truly believe what we are messaging?

 

Tomorrow, we will all wake up and try to go about our daily lives. And I shall return to my question “what is normalcy?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you 2016!

03 Tuesday Jan 2017

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So it is a new year, and 2017 has come faster than expected. 2016 was interesting enough, I have not written much as I would have liked to, no time, boredom, insomnia, overwork, the list is long. But the year has taught me a few things.

  1. One needs to be able to make the best of what is offered: Life can be tough, I think we do know, or rather should try to make the best we can of it. Life is short, too short to be pondering what ifs.
  2. Love can happen, when you least expect: 2016 has been a surprise year for me, on the relationship front. Having been with men who have taught me what type of a partner I should not be with, I found someone who proved the other way round. Thank you for coincidences, and taking chances. 2016 taught me that love happens, and that the choices we make in life several times, the ones that fail most times, those ones should certainly be avoided. Lesson learnt.
  3. Friendships change, some last only till the other can afford his coffee: This year has been one where I have realised that some people I have considered close, well those have not been exactly close. It has also taught me that it is fine to let go of these people, and that sometimes one person who understands you and is there for you is to be more appreciated than those who make you miserable, or your life more difficult.
  4. There is something called autism, and Sri Lanka might not be best understanding how to deal with it: I shall deal with this topic more often in 2017, since I think awareness creation on this topic is much needed, and more experts on dealing with autism even more needed.
  5. Taking a step back is fine, you need it: I have been working like a lunatic, for the last few years, and those who do not really fund the expenses of my kid or mine, have had lectures for me, on how I need to be taking a break. Oh well, you still do not spend for me, and I am fine with spending for my kid. But I have taken a break from those stressful things that ruled my life since 2013, and plan to eliminate the rest that are reminiscences of that era by end of 2017. Yes, I shall!
  6. Take a step forward, take that risk again: Yes I am a single parent, but I can still take risks, and make new initiatives. It took me a long while to make some decisions, but once they were made, they have reminded me the person I used to be, the one who was not scared to take risks till I was a mother, and a single parent having to fend for the kid, and then too scared that the kid might starve if I took that risk. But 2016 has taught me that I will be not starving my kid by not killing me with the daily stress, and that at the same time I am able to make decisions that matter.
  7. Work could be fun with the right team: Thank you guys for making my life a less stressful one. Hope 2017 treats us as kind as 2016, or even better!
  8. Fight for a cause, even if you are the only one: Believing in something is a way to keep sanity in tact, and it certainly was one that helped me to keep as sane as I possibly could. And it does not matter that everyone is not on the same path as I am on, or that they are believer, I choose to believe that I can still make a difference.
  9. It is the billionaires that borrow stuff, and never return them. Give stuff to those who need it, and can’t afford it, and not to those who are stingy to spend on thing that matter.
  10. Submit that collection of poetry even if you have only two hours to meet the deadline, and you know your poetry sucks: It is only a matter of deciding, and doing what you think you should. One ticked off the bucket list.

A big thank you for those who have been there for me in 2016, in all the ups and downs, and also the deep bottomless pits. You guys have proved me that even if life is not perfect, that it sure could be worth every second of it.

Finding Solace (one thinks)

22 Tuesday Nov 2016

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I have not written in a while, not sure whether it was a conscious decision, but well, did not get around to typing anything on the blog section. The random, meaningless, rants that is, the longer, structured, supposedly technical writing I believe I have done a few in the last months.  Life got busy, with work plans, fund raising plans, funds saving plans, taking Dylan to doctor plans, making sure Dylan is not dragged to doctor plans etc. The list seems to rhyme and go on forever, just like life, and then I turn philosophical, and question the meaning of life, why we live, why we spend, why we earn, why we stress.

I think people write when they need an outlet, and of late, I do not think I look for one (that is my way of saying, I am too lazy to write, so I have not, I think I will sleep instead, I need my sleep). Then again, I also have this weird habit of writing in my head (not literally of course, anyone gets that point, but in case someone missed it reiterating it,) like finishing up whole essays, blog posts, from start to the last line, with all sorts of elaborated nonsense, and all that as mentioned before in my head. Sad, yes. But the reality nevertheless. So since they are all final, completed, and edited (all in my head of course,) I do not bother typing them out as well. Maybe someone should print my head, and then make a publication out of it, and of course distribute it for free (not sure whether anyone would want to read anything I type after paying for it.)

I feel the “non-writing for a while” having an impact when I type now as I type this  not so meaningful post, where I have to pause, delete words, rethink, and then delete a whole sentence, and then type another whole paragraph. But the it is also in a sense like my life of late. I think. I pause. I wonder whether this is what I want.  And it is not such a terrible thing you know. I am loving the change for a change, from the days where frustration of not having a choice, and doing things informed at last moment reigned in my darker hours (where I felt like pulling my hair out).

Now, I have time to pause, to plan, and to maybe live, loved. (yea, yea, a little bit of mushiness never killed anyone!)

To Saner Things, & Other Things.

05 Sunday Jun 2016

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It was one of those weeks where I have a reality check on what I need to focus on, like what I should try to locate in people to know whether they are trust-worthy, having the capacity to stand up for themselves and not sell me off to save their asses. Or in general to understand more about human behaviour and relationships.

The boy laughs at my stories on life (like my travel disasters, speech disasters, or random disasters,) and the stories of the man of whom I tell him stories. Of course he was perplexed first, just like I was to start with. Who would not be, to start with, of course?

The steps of the stories go: dating, daddy choosing bride, son has to marry bride, son goes to see the bride (in clandestine, though of course daddy wants him to marry her, and not so much him for that matter,) the other becomes the crazy woman to save the son’s ass (figuratively not literally, I mean hopefully,) and what not (more steps in between, but let’s stick to the summary of it, for all the good reasons in the universe. Yes, I consciously skipped “the world”. Universe makes it more dramatic for sure! And, yes I like brackets!)

Anyways, I think we know how this story goes, with all its humour, and the grotesque taste of reality mixed with stupidity. (Reality of course for my part, and stupidity to whoever should choose it to be their part.)

And he laughs. Obviously I am glad he does. (Rather than lose it over the idiocies that I am uttering over the phone.)

We presume (me, myself and I being the “we”) that he would not be reading this (hopefully). We have come to an agreement that he would not read my blog posts, and I shall probably not read his poetry (after getting a bit freaked out by the dark imagery). We have definitely not written it down on a contract with him signing at the bottom of it that he shall not read my writing, but then again, we like the amusement of throwing a tantrum over the potential of him reading this. He says he understands, and that he does not want to pry into my life! (There’s a man with patience over even the biggest nonsense!) Anyways, in short he indulges, and agrees. Not sure whether he obliges. Not important, indulging sufficing. So be it.  (And no, I am not losing it, I just choose to write like this. As I mentioned, it has been one of those weeks, and Vositha is allowed to be this.)

All in all, I liked the week. And the weekend. The long conversations, blocking people out of life, (interesting and amusing it was and stupid in some sense as well).

Now for environmental justice, long writing, and for more humane things! Things like weddings in July, red heels and white flowers, and probably a dress, and maybe something to laugh about even if I am sleep deprived. But definitely not a blue suit and red shirt! Things like that, which spare my stress levels the stress, and do not involve reality checks. Simple things in life, which has no arranged marriages, other women.

And yes, I like this ring. It makes me feel, what’s the word for it? Special, yes, absolutely special!

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The end! (I get back to saner things like, writing my case studies and policy documents.)