Category Archives: Random Moments of Life

Sri Lanka, 7 Days After

29 Monday Apr 2019

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It’s been a week since the Easter Sunday Attacks. People ask me how things are. I usually tell out of reflect, “we are trying to regain normalcy”. The next moment I wonder what normalcy is. Anymore.

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On Saturday, I had been working on assignments focusing on peace building till quite late, to wake up to calls from those checking if I had gone to church. Those who know me would know how strange that question would ring in my ears, even when wide awake. But, it was only a few minutes later that reality shook me awake with the violence that had spread across Colombo.

The first thought to cross my mind: “It could have been us”.

 

I had slept hoping to take my family out on Sunday for breakfast. Then true to myself, overslept due to sleep-deprivation caused by writing for hours on peace-building , until 6am to be precise. The previous night, my curious mind had wondered to anlayse the potential conflicts which Sri Lanka could face, mostly related to resource management, and whether we are ready to address these situations. I also wondered how we as a community would react if we were to face a conflict again. Later at work, my colleague tells me “Vosi, you should not hypothesize!”

 

Last few weeks have been probably the scariest days of my whole life, even though I had lived through a few memories that haunt me. As a child my first memories are of dead bodies floating in a river. I must have been 4 or 5 at that time. I am not entirely sure. Then, I have memories of the war, the constant security checks. But those images seem distant, I think I had blurred them out of my mind.

I also remember the tsunami, and the many loved ones taken away, our usual Sunday market washed away, my favourite aunt growing up, getting washed away with it as well.

But the memory the memory that I hold close is how Sri Lanka came together during the hard times. Rebuilding and helping in solidarity.

 

21st April was different. It was difficult to focus. It was hard to think straight. I blamed it on my sleep deprived brain, or maybe the slightly old brain. We all closed down for a week, maybe even longer. I read stories of those affected, the children left alone, families dead and many in need of support.

I also read posters on guidance to boycott shops, the general hatred towards certain groups in our communities, reminding me of the 2nd World War. Do we truly believe what we are messaging?

 

Tomorrow, we will all wake up and try to go about our daily lives. And I shall return to my question “what is normalcy?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you 2016!

03 Tuesday Jan 2017

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So it is a new year, and 2017 has come faster than expected. 2016 was interesting enough, I have not written much as I would have liked to, no time, boredom, insomnia, overwork, the list is long. But the year has taught me a few things.

  1. One needs to be able to make the best of what is offered: Life can be tough, I think we do know, or rather should try to make the best we can of it. Life is short, too short to be pondering what ifs.
  2. Love can happen, when you least expect: 2016 has been a surprise year for me, on the relationship front. Having been with men who have taught me what type of a partner I should not be with, I found someone who proved the other way round. Thank you for coincidences, and taking chances. 2016 taught me that love happens, and that the choices we make in life several times, the ones that fail most times, those ones should certainly be avoided. Lesson learnt.
  3. Friendships change, some last only till the other can afford his coffee: This year has been one where I have realised that some people I have considered close, well those have not been exactly close. It has also taught me that it is fine to let go of these people, and that sometimes one person who understands you and is there for you is to be more appreciated than those who make you miserable, or your life more difficult.
  4. There is something called autism, and Sri Lanka might not be best understanding how to deal with it: I shall deal with this topic more often in 2017, since I think awareness creation on this topic is much needed, and more experts on dealing with autism even more needed.
  5. Taking a step back is fine, you need it: I have been working like a lunatic, for the last few years, and those who do not really fund the expenses of my kid or mine, have had lectures for me, on how I need to be taking a break. Oh well, you still do not spend for me, and I am fine with spending for my kid. But I have taken a break from those stressful things that ruled my life since 2013, and plan to eliminate the rest that are reminiscences of that era by end of 2017. Yes, I shall!
  6. Take a step forward, take that risk again: Yes I am a single parent, but I can still take risks, and make new initiatives. It took me a long while to make some decisions, but once they were made, they have reminded me the person I used to be, the one who was not scared to take risks till I was a mother, and a single parent having to fend for the kid, and then too scared that the kid might starve if I took that risk. But 2016 has taught me that I will be not starving my kid by not killing me with the daily stress, and that at the same time I am able to make decisions that matter.
  7. Work could be fun with the right team: Thank you guys for making my life a less stressful one. Hope 2017 treats us as kind as 2016, or even better!
  8. Fight for a cause, even if you are the only one: Believing in something is a way to keep sanity in tact, and it certainly was one that helped me to keep as sane as I possibly could. And it does not matter that everyone is not on the same path as I am on, or that they are believer, I choose to believe that I can still make a difference.
  9. It is the billionaires that borrow stuff, and never return them. Give stuff to those who need it, and can’t afford it, and not to those who are stingy to spend on thing that matter.
  10. Submit that collection of poetry even if you have only two hours to meet the deadline, and you know your poetry sucks: It is only a matter of deciding, and doing what you think you should. One ticked off the bucket list.

A big thank you for those who have been there for me in 2016, in all the ups and downs, and also the deep bottomless pits. You guys have proved me that even if life is not perfect, that it sure could be worth every second of it.

Finding Solace (one thinks)

22 Tuesday Nov 2016

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I have not written in a while, not sure whether it was a conscious decision, but well, did not get around to typing anything on the blog section. The random, meaningless, rants that is, the longer, structured, supposedly technical writing I believe I have done a few in the last months.  Life got busy, with work plans, fund raising plans, funds saving plans, taking Dylan to doctor plans, making sure Dylan is not dragged to doctor plans etc. The list seems to rhyme and go on forever, just like life, and then I turn philosophical, and question the meaning of life, why we live, why we spend, why we earn, why we stress.

I think people write when they need an outlet, and of late, I do not think I look for one (that is my way of saying, I am too lazy to write, so I have not, I think I will sleep instead, I need my sleep). Then again, I also have this weird habit of writing in my head (not literally of course, anyone gets that point, but in case someone missed it reiterating it,) like finishing up whole essays, blog posts, from start to the last line, with all sorts of elaborated nonsense, and all that as mentioned before in my head. Sad, yes. But the reality nevertheless. So since they are all final, completed, and edited (all in my head of course,) I do not bother typing them out as well. Maybe someone should print my head, and then make a publication out of it, and of course distribute it for free (not sure whether anyone would want to read anything I type after paying for it.)

I feel the “non-writing for a while” having an impact when I type now as I type this  not so meaningful post, where I have to pause, delete words, rethink, and then delete a whole sentence, and then type another whole paragraph. But the it is also in a sense like my life of late. I think. I pause. I wonder whether this is what I want.  And it is not such a terrible thing you know. I am loving the change for a change, from the days where frustration of not having a choice, and doing things informed at last moment reigned in my darker hours (where I felt like pulling my hair out).

Now, I have time to pause, to plan, and to maybe live, loved. (yea, yea, a little bit of mushiness never killed anyone!)

To Saner Things, & Other Things.

05 Sunday Jun 2016

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It was one of those weeks where I have a reality check on what I need to focus on, like what I should try to locate in people to know whether they are trust-worthy, having the capacity to stand up for themselves and not sell me off to save their asses. Or in general to understand more about human behaviour and relationships.

The boy laughs at my stories on life (like my travel disasters, speech disasters, or random disasters,) and the stories of the man of whom I tell him stories. Of course he was perplexed first, just like I was to start with. Who would not be, to start with, of course?

The steps of the stories go: dating, daddy choosing bride, son has to marry bride, son goes to see the bride (in clandestine, though of course daddy wants him to marry her, and not so much him for that matter,) the other becomes the crazy woman to save the son’s ass (figuratively not literally, I mean hopefully,) and what not (more steps in between, but let’s stick to the summary of it, for all the good reasons in the universe. Yes, I consciously skipped “the world”. Universe makes it more dramatic for sure! And, yes I like brackets!)

Anyways, I think we know how this story goes, with all its humour, and the grotesque taste of reality mixed with stupidity. (Reality of course for my part, and stupidity to whoever should choose it to be their part.)

And he laughs. Obviously I am glad he does. (Rather than lose it over the idiocies that I am uttering over the phone.)

We presume (me, myself and I being the “we”) that he would not be reading this (hopefully). We have come to an agreement that he would not read my blog posts, and I shall probably not read his poetry (after getting a bit freaked out by the dark imagery). We have definitely not written it down on a contract with him signing at the bottom of it that he shall not read my writing, but then again, we like the amusement of throwing a tantrum over the potential of him reading this. He says he understands, and that he does not want to pry into my life! (There’s a man with patience over even the biggest nonsense!) Anyways, in short he indulges, and agrees. Not sure whether he obliges. Not important, indulging sufficing. So be it.  (And no, I am not losing it, I just choose to write like this. As I mentioned, it has been one of those weeks, and Vositha is allowed to be this.)

All in all, I liked the week. And the weekend. The long conversations, blocking people out of life, (interesting and amusing it was and stupid in some sense as well).

Now for environmental justice, long writing, and for more humane things! Things like weddings in July, red heels and white flowers, and probably a dress, and maybe something to laugh about even if I am sleep deprived. But definitely not a blue suit and red shirt! Things like that, which spare my stress levels the stress, and do not involve reality checks. Simple things in life, which has no arranged marriages, other women.

And yes, I like this ring. It makes me feel, what’s the word for it? Special, yes, absolutely special!

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The end! (I get back to saner things like, writing my case studies and policy documents.)

Boredom

08 Sunday Nov 2015

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Boredom sinks in. As usual. You vicious thing!

The same story. The same conversation. Pretentious attentiveness, on a downhill journey. A slow one. Not fast enough to kill the boredom. Not too slow to go unnoticed.

I lose track, of words and sentences. Mere words flashing in front of the eyes, no relation, no attachment.  One sided affection. A deep hollow. Felt. Ignored.

Facilitative, to walk way. To move on. To forget. To untangle the knots, wilfully created.  Erase that attempted smile, repeated compliments, and questions left unanswered.

I look to the sky, on a rainy day. Grey, rain drops filled, falling at their own pace.

I wonder where you are, whether you miss those tantrums, or prefer the boredom of your life. The peace, the silence, minus my voice.

Far away,  on a rainy/ a sunny day.

Of Circles and Cycles

12 Monday Oct 2015

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Life is in circles, of cycles. I start, I walk, and I return to the same starting point (of no point). Similar people, in search of temporary ego boosts of affection. Much predictable, them and I( No surprise!)

Life moves, I move, from things, people and the person (the usual, shutting myself out. Hide away from trouble! Run! Run! Run! To the cave! Run!). Indifference, boredom, stagnation, and then nothingness. I was on phase three. It had arrived too fast, with too much ease, and lack of effort. It becomes too easy when things get clearer, empty words, and inaction. Typing be easier, than any effort. You hate words, you hate lines of words, you hate paragraphs. And you hate those words that were typed to indicate closeness, meaningless closeness, of words of senselessness.

Walk away, far away, from trouble. Of hypocrisy, and words.

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