Happiness is finding that someone, with whom you can be yourself. Especially on your wedding day.
PS. I have not written in a long time. I plan to break that cycle. Hopefully soon.
It was one of those weeks where I have a reality check on what I need to focus on, like what I should try to locate in people to know whether they are trust-worthy, having the capacity to stand up for themselves and not sell me off to save their asses. Or in general to understand more about human behaviour and relationships.
The boy laughs at my stories on life (like my travel disasters, speech disasters, or random disasters,) and the stories of the man of whom I tell him stories. Of course he was perplexed first, just like I was to start with. Who would not be, to start with, of course?
The steps of the stories go: dating, daddy choosing bride, son has to marry bride, son goes to see the bride (in clandestine, though of course daddy wants him to marry her, and not so much him for that matter,) the other becomes the crazy woman to save the son’s ass (figuratively not literally, I mean hopefully,) and what not (more steps in between, but let’s stick to the summary of it, for all the good reasons in the universe. Yes, I consciously skipped “the world”. Universe makes it more dramatic for sure! And, yes I like brackets!)
Anyways, I think we know how this story goes, with all its humour, and the grotesque taste of reality mixed with stupidity. (Reality of course for my part, and stupidity to whoever should choose it to be their part.)
And he laughs. Obviously I am glad he does. (Rather than lose it over the idiocies that I am uttering over the phone.)
We presume (me, myself and I being the “we”) that he would not be reading this (hopefully). We have come to an agreement that he would not read my blog posts, and I shall probably not read his poetry (after getting a bit freaked out by the dark imagery). We have definitely not written it down on a contract with him signing at the bottom of it that he shall not read my writing, but then again, we like the amusement of throwing a tantrum over the potential of him reading this. He says he understands, and that he does not want to pry into my life! (There’s a man with patience over even the biggest nonsense!) Anyways, in short he indulges, and agrees. Not sure whether he obliges. Not important, indulging sufficing. So be it. (And no, I am not losing it, I just choose to write like this. As I mentioned, it has been one of those weeks, and Vositha is allowed to be this.)
All in all, I liked the week. And the weekend. The long conversations, blocking people out of life, (interesting and amusing it was and stupid in some sense as well).
Now for environmental justice, long writing, and for more humane things! Things like weddings in July, red heels and white flowers, and probably a dress, and maybe something to laugh about even if I am sleep deprived. But definitely not a blue suit and red shirt! Things like that, which spare my stress levels the stress, and do not involve reality checks. Simple things in life, which has no arranged marriages, other women.
And yes, I like this ring. It makes me feel, what’s the word for it? Special, yes, absolutely special!
The end! (I get back to saner things like, writing my case studies and policy documents.)
Boredom sinks in. As usual. You vicious thing!
The same story. The same conversation. Pretentious attentiveness, on a downhill journey. A slow one. Not fast enough to kill the boredom. Not too slow to go unnoticed.
I lose track, of words and sentences. Mere words flashing in front of the eyes, no relation, no attachment. One sided affection. A deep hollow. Felt. Ignored.
Facilitative, to walk way. To move on. To forget. To untangle the knots, wilfully created. Erase that attempted smile, repeated compliments, and questions left unanswered.
I look to the sky, on a rainy day. Grey, rain drops filled, falling at their own pace.
I wonder where you are, whether you miss those tantrums, or prefer the boredom of your life. The peace, the silence, minus my voice.
Far away, on a rainy/ a sunny day.
A read though all the good mornings, the good nights, and the nastiness of the last emails. Not ignoring the thin line between love and hate, one that is fine, hurtful nevertheless.
I read, I delete.
Memories of happiness, at times pain, sometimes affection hidden somewhere within. Delete, one by one. Read, delete. Not relive, not relapse. Delete.
If memories could be reset, days adjusted then erased. Minds changed. One by one. Each message at its turn. Mails, photos of smiles disappear. You hugging me close, making faces at goodbyes captured. Flashbacks of happy mornings, diners in silence, moments without fights or arguments. Delete. Move on to another.
Closure with a cold bath of nastiness, unexpected, maybe least expected. Memories flash, tears held back, pretending all’s fine. Moving on, moving on to other things. Life, love, worries for health, issues of displacement, dislocated hips and migration.
Done, deleted. Closure.
“He’s good to me,” I tell, myself.
Life is in circles, of cycles. I start, I walk, and I return to the same starting point (of no point). Similar people, in search of temporary ego boosts of affection. Much predictable, them and I( No surprise!)
Life moves, I move, from things, people and the person (the usual, shutting myself out. Hide away from trouble! Run! Run! Run! To the cave! Run!). Indifference, boredom, stagnation, and then nothingness. I was on phase three. It had arrived too fast, with too much ease, and lack of effort. It becomes too easy when things get clearer, empty words, and inaction. Typing be easier, than any effort. You hate words, you hate lines of words, you hate paragraphs. And you hate those words that were typed to indicate closeness, meaningless closeness, of words of senselessness.
Walk away, far away, from trouble. Of hypocrisy, and words.
Words do not come easy to me. Not anymore. Not to express what I feel, how I feel. I venture, lost between expressions, thoughts, and chains of images, flowers, candles, cobbled roads and boots with heels, (annoying ones.)
Expressions sweep in, different voices, different places. I walk along in my heels, in silence, with occasional complains. Within words come in torrents. Voices in my head, images, smiles and scowls. I watch him walking away, after his “I love you,” apparently he wanted to say a last good bye. I wonder what he wanted. Whispers, and wonders of insanity over months, tantrums I would throw, walked away from. I see the texts, the mails, the moments of frustration and holding onto sanity by a thread that float in front me with images, letters, and sounds. Blocked out, moved on from yet still resurface to haunt.
I feel you pulling me closer, the chilly evening for a kiss that you consider proof of your spontaneity. Laughter, and counting kisses to keep track to what adds up to a “lot of kisses,” till I almost fall, and you pull me closer, for both of us to burst into laughter. (Block the voices, the noises, the thoughts, the other people, I think push away thoughts.)
We pass a beggar with a dog, you turn to your usual analysis, wonder why beggars have dogs, “They are expensive to keep,” you say. I had not realised the man was a beggar. (Attention diverted, focused on heels while suffering on cobbled roads.) I ignore him, you tell him”Sorry.” I hear you, being your gentlemanly self, and like you more for it.
Words, images, sounds. Gushing in, faces of familiarity, voices of annoyance, frustration, and general conversation. Crowds rushing through my mind, brain waves clashing with you sticking out: flowers, candles and my fair lady moments, with an occasional laugh from you at some idiocy I would have uttered in my half sleep, and exhaustion.
I think of moments, us, cobbled roads and chilly evenings, and block the noises and the rest outside. For a moment.