I remember a year ago making travel plans. I was smitten, filled with illusions. With all forms of wishes and imaginary hopes in head, I would try to decide when my flight dates would be, annoyed with all the postponing, feeling guilty about one that was waiting for me away from home.
I returned, disillusioned, faithless, betrayed, afraid of what reality be, vowing never to love again. It is funny how easily one decides to hate the world around, turn a heartless creature when the heart’s broken.
One breaks your heart, you decide to hurt the world. One fills you with lies, you decide to doubt the world. One makes you believe love is bullshit, and you believe, without scruples, because your heart is not ready to let go of that bitterness.
You hate any concept of relationship, emotions, and even having a personal life. It becomes worse when you fail to see that the one who did make you faithless, is a happy believer building faith with another.
Letting go is a struggle, the feelings piled in, vented over phone calls. Random dates where you find the lamest jerks with whom you are sure you will not get attached nor be slightly moved. You know you should have expressed those emotions, the hurt, at least the anger, but then nothing comes out. You feel too robotic. You have not shed tears ever since.. well you have no clue when. You have no clue when you unleashed your anger! May be reach out and smash a couple of things, if that ever did help. You have no clue whether it would, because you never reached out. You never did smash that vase nor feel that emotion boil in, suppressed while you smile acting the world is a very happy place. You tell yourself, where there is hope, anything is possible. You hope you will survive and you know you will survive those vile emotions. You are deprived even of the slightest energy to loath.
You shame yourself on seeing the man who made you that bitch, that heartless creature you have become, by merely managing to tell him, “you were an asshole, but then, the world is full of assholes!” and you hug him! Yes you hug him, thinking you are the better being, and watch the sunrise for a change. A sunrise not a sunset.
But inside you hope this would be the end, the end of those smoking sessions, the meaninglessness and the emptiness. You wonder what you ever saw in him, what the other woman saw in him, what possessed him to hurt you so bad, when all you could say “it’s alright” each time you were hurt.
But just when you have made yourself believe that you are incapable of emotions, there be one who proves that you still do get hurt. Ironically one needs to feel hurt to feel one’s self, one’s existence. You need to feel that emptiness at the pit of the stomach, that feeling of emptiness knowing you have lost someone, and that you do care and wish the circumstances were different and you could have made things right.
Yes it is lame at times, as to how the tiniest things in life make you realise bigger things. Feeling of emptiness of not seeing a witty line on the phone, someone not calling back when you just dial out of sheer boredom seem very important to you all of a sudden. You curse yourself for feeling that fragility once again, the being of the vulnerable being.
But then at the same time grateful are you, fir that capacity to believe that love does happen. well not this very moment, I mean eventually. You are indebted to that emptiness that hit the pit of your stomach for making you realise that you do feel something again, maybe not love but nostalgia of what it was and how simple it was to feel comfortable.
Most of all you are happy that you have faith to believe that love does happen, not today, and may be not with him, but one day, with someone, it will happen.
And despite that emptiness you feel on missing someone, you realise that you have taken a step forward, from that self imposed indifference, and that you are ready to take that leap again despite the hurt that remain.
You do take the leap of faith in what you believe again. Though it would take time, you know the wounds would heal, cz you feel again!
PS. for someone who does not believe in blogs, and is “full of shit” but managed to make me believe.